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A Very Busy Night

by: Jennifer Wilson (Send Feedback)

Chapters: 004 Word Count: 13262
Rating: MATURE
Character(s): Josh Lyman, Donna Moss
Category(ies): Humor
Pairing(s): Josh/Donna
Crossover Shows: - No Show -
Summary: A night of non-stop drinking leads CJ, Donna, Sam and Josh to plan the demise of Amy. Set third season.

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

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A Very Busy Night

 

A Very Busy Night

Completed: 7/18/04

Rating: PG-13 - R for language
Summary: A night of non-stop drinking leads CJ, Donna, Sam and Josh to plan the demise of Amy. Set third season.
Author’s Notes: The first two parts of this are nothing but conversation. You might get confused as to who's speaking, but it doesn't really matter. It's meant to be this way.

 

 

Pt. 1 - CJ and Donna

 

“I don’t like her, CJ.”

 

“No one likes her.”


 

“He likes her.”

 

“No he doesn’t. He just likes having sex with her.”

 

“Men.”

 

“Can’t live with ‘em…”

 

“Can’t live…”

 

“Yes you can.”

 

“I need another.”

 

“Bartender, two more please.”

 

“She’s got to go.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I have to protect him from her.”

 

“That’s your job.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“You have no choice.”

 

“None whatsoever.”

 

“Look at that wall. Has that been there all night? Did someone just put that there?”

 

“A pack of wild dogs.”

 

“What?”

 

“A pack of wild dogs could attack her. I could arrange it.”

 

“A pack of wild dogs?”

”Yes.”

 

“In the middle of Georgetown?”

 

“No?”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

“You’re probably right. I’m pretty drunk.”

”Well, I’m not. Trust me.”

 

“What does he see in her anyway.”


 

“The sex, remember?”

”Ya, but he could have sex with…”

 

“You?”

”Me? Are you insane? I can’t have sex with him. He’s…he’s…why can’t I sex with him?”

 

“Boss.”

”Right. Boss. He’s my boss. Anyway, I don’t want to.”

”You don’t?”

 

“Nope. No way. Nuh huh. No. Not in a million years. No way.  Not him. Ick. Not in a million years.”

 

“You already said that.”

 

“I did?”

”Yes.”


 

“I don’t remember saying that.”

 

“Well, you did.”

 

“Ok. You’re probably right. I’m pretty drunk.”

 

“Trust me.”

”What are we talking about?”


 

“Alyssa. No, that’s not it. Andrea? No. You know. Her.”

”Right. Gotta get rid of her. It’s my job.”

”Sadly, it is.”

 

“She’s not good for him.”

 

“No.”

 

“A car accident.”

 

“A car accident?”


 

“She could get in a car accident.”

 

“Are you going to ask her to get in a car accident?”

 

“Do you think she’d say yes?”


 

“Umm. Not sure. I don’t think so.”

 

“Right. Well, I could rig her car.”

 

“Do you know how to do that? Is it blurry in here?”

”I could fiddle around with things in the…front part thingy…with the hood.”

 

“Well…”

 

“Right. So, that won’t work.”

 

“No.”

 

“I’m thirsty. Yes.”

”Bartender, two more. Yes what?”

 

“Yes it’s blurry in here. Have you ever been to Spain?”

 

“I’ve always wanted to go to Spain. Matadors are hot.”

”Yes. It’s the tights.”

 

“And the sword.”

 

“I don’t think they’re called swords. That’s it; a sword.”

 

“A sword?”

”She could fall on a sword.”


 

“Are we just going to leave one lying around, hoping she falls on it?”

 

“What if someone else fell on it?”

 

“What if the president fell on it? He’s very clumsy.”


 

“We could probably go to jail for that.”

”I would think so.”

 

“So, no sword?”

 

“No.”

 

“You know who carries swords?”

”Who?”

”Those guys who fight bulls in Spain.”

”We already discussed that.”

”We did?”

 

“I think so.”

”You’re probably right. I’m pretty drunk.”

”Trust me.”

 

“This is yummy.”

”I’m telling you, that wall wasn’t there when we got here.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really. Isn’t that odd?”

”You’d think we would’ve heard someone putting it there.”

 

“You’d think. Bartender. Two more please.”

 

“Hide her.”

 

“Hide her? Like witness protection?”


 

“Yes. Mike Casper could help us.”

 

“Do you think he would?”


 

“He likes me. He’d ask me out if Josh wouldn’t kill him.”


 

“Like Josh could kill an FBI agent.”

 

“He’s pretty strong. Have you ever noticed his arms? They’re pretty nice.”

 

“But Mike Casper carries a gun.”

 

“Yes he does. Maybe he could shoot her…wait a minute. Why are we talking about Mike Casper?”

 

“He’s going to hide Alex for us.”


 

“Who’s Alex?”

 

“That’s not her name?”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

“We’re going to have to be able to tell him her name.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I’m pretty sure.”

”You’re probably right. I’m pretty drunk.”

 

“So, he likes you?”

 

“No, he likes her. That’s why we’re getting rid of her.”

 

“Not him. Mike.”

 

“Oh right…ya, he flirts with me.”

 

“He’s pretty good looking.”

 

“No dimples. Hey, who drank my shot?”

”I don’t know, but they drank mine too.”

 

“Bastard.”

 

“Bartender, two more. And can you keep an eye on our drinks? Someone is stealing them.”

 

“I could pay her to leave.”

”Yes.”

 

“Like blackmail…no…a bribe.”

 

“Yes. How much money do you think it would take?”


 

“He’s pretty amazing. I’d think a lot.”

 

“See. I was just about to say he’s a pain in the ass, so probably not much.”

 

“Really?”

 

“You don’t think he’s a pain in the ass?”

 

“Well, no. Wait. Are we talking about Mike again?”


 

“No. Well, maybe. No. I think we’re talking about Josh.”

 

“Oh, what was the question?”

 

“Do you think he’s a pain in the ass?”

 

“Of course he is, haven’t you ever met him?”

 

“You know. He has a nice ass.”

 

“Yes I know. Joey Lucas told me. Other wise, I never would’ve looked.”

 

“Of course you wouldn’t have. We aren’t like men. We don’t just check them out the way they do us.”

 

“Men.”

 

“Wait a minute.”

 

“What?”

 

“We’re talking about blackmail.”


 

“No. Bribery.”

 

“Right. How much do you think it would take?”

 

“I don’t know. I have about $2,000.00 in the bank. Do you think that would be enough?”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

“So, we can’t bribe her?”

 

“I have lots of money. I’ll give you some.”

 

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

 

“Why?”

 

“What if you have to bribe Danny’s girlfriend? You’ll need the money.”

 

“Very good point. You’re very smart.”

 

“Yes I know.”

 

“Wait a minute. Danny doesn’t have a girlfriend.”

 

“Well not now, but he could get one. You better keep cash on hand.”

 

“Right. I will.”

 

“I can’t bribe her.”

 

“We already determined that.”

”We did? I don’t remember.”

 

“You’re pretty drunk. Trust me.”

 

“Ok.”

 

“What about the other?”


 

“What other? I don’t have any more money.”

 

“No not that. The other ‘b’ word.”

 

“Ben and Jerry’s?”

 

“No.”

 

“Baskin Robbins?”

 

“Maybe…no, I don’t think so.”

 

“Blackmail?”

 

“Yes, that’s it. What about blackmail?”

 

“Where does that word come from?”

 

“I’m not sure. It’s not black and it’s not mail.”

 

“We think so alike.”

 

“You know what I’m thinking?”

 

“We need another drink?”

 

“Bartender. Two more please. And bartender, did someone just put that wall there?”

 

“He didn’t even answer you. How rude.”

 

“Men.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Maybe he’s deaf.”

 

“Or mute.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“Are you ok?”

 

“I’m fine, why?”

 

“You just fell off your stool.”

 

“Is that how I got on the floor?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh. So, who are we gonna blackmail?”

 

“I don’t know. Who should we blackmail?”

 

“Damn, my ass hurts. Who are we gonna what? Oh, I know. How about Amy Gardner?”

 

“Blackmail Amy Gardner. Yes, she would be perfect to blackmail. I don’t like her.”

 

“What do we have on her?”

 

“I don’t have anything on her. Do you?”

 

“Nothing. But she’s a horrible hateful person.”

 

“I agree. She’s no good.”

 

“None at all. I’ve got it. We should blackmail her.”

 

“You already said that.”

 

“I did?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I don’t remember. You’re probably right. I’m pretty drunk.”

 

“Trust me.”

 

“Always.”

 

“Oh, that’s so sweet.”

 

“Thanks. You’re sweet too.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“You know what we need? We need information on Amy Gardner. So we can blackmail the little bitch. It’s her fault I just fell on the floor.”

 

“I have no doubt. Whore. How do we get information on her?”

 

“What about that guy at the FBI?”

 

“Mike Casper?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“He likes me. He’d ask me out if Josh wouldn’t kill him.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I had no idea.”

 

“I’m very attractive.”

 

“Yes, you are.”

 

“Why are we talking about him?”

 

“We need him to get information on Amy Gardner, so we can blackmail her.”

 

“Right. You know who else can get us info on her?”

 

“Who?”


 

“Josh.”

 

“He can? How?”

 

“He went to college with her. She dated his roommate.”

 

“Slut.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Would Josh help us?”


 

“Of course he would. He loves me, secretly of course.”

 

“Really? I had no idea. I need a drink.”

 

“Bartender. Two more please.”

 

“He really loves you?”

 

“Of course he does. And I love him too. We just can’t tell each other yet.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Leo would kill us, and so would….someone else. I can’t remember who.”

 

“We should blackmail that person too.”

 

“Good idea.”

 

“Wait a minute. If Josh loves you, then why….”

 

“Why what?”

 

“I’m not sure. I thought I knew something, but now I’m not so sure.”

 

“Ok. We should call Josh.”

 

“Why?”

 

“To get information about Amy Gardner.”

 

“Right. What’s his phone number?”

 

“Pound 1.”

 

“What?”


 

“That’s his phone number. Pound 1.”

 

“That’s his phone number? How cool is that?  Mine has like…six or seven numbers in it. His is really easy to remember.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Lyman.”

 

“Josh, hi.”

 

“Hey Donna, why are you yelling? Are you ok?”

 

“I’m great. How are you?”

 

“Donna, are you drunk?”

 

“I don’t know. CJ, am I drunk?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Are you sure?”


 

“Trust me.”

 

“CJ says I’m drunk. I’m pretty drunk, so I’m gonna trust her.”

 

“Where are you?”

 

“We’re at…where are we?”

 

“We’re at Kilroy’s.”

”No you’re not.”

 

“You’re not mute? The bartender can talk Donna. We’re not at Kilroy’s?”

 

“No, you’re at Mac’s.”

”Are you sure?”

 

“I work here, don’t I?”

 

“I’m not sure. Do you?”

 

“Yes, and you’re at Mac’s.”

 

“Well, now that makes sense. Donna, it makes sense.”

 

“What makes sense?”


 

“The wall. Mac’s has always had a wall there.”

 

“Your right, they have.”

 

“Hello, Donna. What’s going on there?”

”Who’s this?”

 

“It’s Josh.”

 

“What do you want?”

 

“I don’t want anything. You called me. Where are you?”


 

“We’re at Mac’s. You want to come have a drink? Hey bartender. We need another.”

 

“No. You don’t need another.”

 

“I was ordering it for you.”

 

“I don’t want one.”

 

“Are you sure? They’re really good.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh. Ok. Never mind Mr. Bartender.”

 

“Do you need me to come get you?”


 

“I don’t know. CJ, do we need Josh to come get us?”

 

“Why would we need him to get us?”

 

“Why would we need you to get us?”

 

“Did you drive there?”

 

“No. I don’t think so. CJ, how did we get here?”

 

“We took a…yellow car thingy.”

 

“We took a yellow car.”

 

“I’ll come get you.”

 

“No. That’s not why we called.”

 

“Why did you call then?”

 

“CJ, why did we call Josh?”

 

“I don’t remember.”

 

“We don’t remember.”

 

“I see.”

 

“Bartender, why did we call Josh?”

 

“Something about blackmail.”

 

“He’s right Donna. Amy Gardner. Thanks bartender. Can we have two more please?”

 

“Donna, tell CJ she can’t have any more to drink.”

 

“CJ, Josh says we can’t have anymore.”

 

“Sorry bartender. We can’t have anymore. Josh said. Donna, tell Josh he’s no fun.”

”Josh, CJ said you’re no fun.”

 

“I heard her. Donna, let me come and get you.”

 

“No, we need information. We have to be secretive. It’s a secret mission.”

 

“What kind of information do you need?”

 

“We need to know about…what’s her name CJ?”

 

“April Greenly.”

 

“April Greenly. You went to college with her, and we need to blackmail her.”

 

“April Greenly? Who’s April Greenly? I went to college with Amy Gardner. Do you mean Amy Gardner?”

 

“I don’t know. CJ, do we mean Amy Gardner or April Greenly?”

 

“Who’s April Greenly?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“We must mean Amy Gardner then.”

 

“Right. Josh, we think we mean Amy Gardner.”

 

“You need information on Amy Gardner.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Why?”

 

“So we can blackmail her, but don’t tell anyone.”

 

“Why do you want to blackmail her?”

 

“Because…CJ, why do we want to blackmail her?”

 

“Because she’s dating Josh.”

 

“Right. We’re going to blackmail her because she’s dating Josh.”

 

“I see. And why shouldn’t she be dating Josh?”

 

“Because he loves me.”

 

“Yes he does.”

 

“So are you going to help us?”

 

“Why don’t you just tell Josh that you don’t want him to date her?”


 

“That won’t work. He’s… what is he CJ?”

 

“He’s a man.”

 

“Yes, he’s a man.”

 

“And men like sex.”

 

“And men like sex.”

 

“And he’s having sex with Amy.”

 

“And he’s having sex with Amy.”

 

“But he loves you, right?”

 

“Yes. So we need your help. You went to college with her. You’ve got to have some information we can use to blackmail her.”

 

“Well, I can probably think of something. But first, why don’t I come get you?”

 

“Ok. Do you want us to order you a drink?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you sure? They’re really good. CJ, let’s have another while we’re waiting on Josh to come get us.”

 

“Good idea. Bartender…”

 

“No Donna.”

 

“No?”

 

“No.”

 

“Never mind CJ, Josh says no.”

 

“Is he going to help us?”

 

“Yes, but first he’s going to come and get us.”

 

“Ok. Should we order him a drink?”

 

“Should we…”

 

“No.”

 

“He says no.”

 

“Ok. Wait, is that him?”

 

“Where?”

 

“By the door.”

 

“Josh. You’re by the door.”

 

“Yes I know. I only live 3 blocks from Mac’s.”

 

“Did I know that?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Ok, I’m gonna go now. I have to go to the bathroom really badly.”

 

"Ok, bye. CJ, how ya doin’?”

 

“I’m great Josh, you want a drink?”

 

“No thanks. I think it’s time to go.”

 

“Do you have the information we need?”

 

“For the secret mission?”

 

“Shh. Don’t yell. Yes, that information. It’s very important.”

 

“I see. The two of you have been very busy tonight.”

 

“You have no idea.”

 

“Ok. Let’s just get the two of you home.”

 

“We’re going home now?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What about Donna?”

 

“We’re waiting on her, but then we’re going.”

 

“Should we have a drink while we’re waiting?”

 

“No. I’m sure she’ll only be a minute.”

 

“Ok. Josh?”

 

“Yes CJ?”

 

“Did you know that Mike Casper is in love with Donna?”

 

“No, I didn’t know that.”

 

”Yep. He’d ask her out if you wouldn’t kill him.”

 

“Then he'd better not ask her out.”

 

“Don’t worry. He doesn’t have dimples.”

 

“Oh, ok. I won't worry then.”

 

“Hey, don’t tell anyone, but I know a secret.”

 

“What’s your secret?”

 

“You’re in love with Donna.”

 

“I am?”

 

“Yes, but you guys can’t tell Leo or…someone else. Donna couldn’t remember. We’re going to blackmail that person too, if we can figure out who it is.”

 

“That’s a plan. I won't tell your secret.”

 

“It’s been a very busy night.”

 

“Sounds like it.”

 

“You have no idea.”

 

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