All That Matters
Disclaimer: Not mine, never gonna be mine. Anything you recognize from pop culture isn't mine either. If it was, would I still be this deep in debt? Really, if you want my crappy ass job, truck payment and two emotionally disturbed cats you're welcome to them.
Summary: Donna. David. Bonding. The joshua Monologues #035
Ill admit I was not 100% ready to become a mother.
Taking solace in the words of my motherinlaw, I chalked my fears up to normal prebirth jitters.
My son is now 2 days old. I still dont feel ready, but I continue to remember Elisas advice.
Donna, dear, you never feel ready. Not now and definitely not once that helpless little person is lying in your arms looking up at you, expecting you to have all the answers.
She is so, so right.
I was discharged this morning, but David has to stay until he can maintain his body temperature. So, instead of going home, I essentially moved into the neonatal intensive care unit.
I worked out a schedule with Josh. Hes going back to work today and will stay with David during the evening and nights. Ill spend the days and early evenings with him and go home to rest at night. That way one of us is with him all the time.
Josh is doing far better than I ever imagined on the fatherhood front. Im a bit envious of how quickly and firmly the two of them have bonded.
There are brief moments when I feel my sole purpose in the boys life is to provide nourishment. Those moments vanish, however, when David opens his now brown eyes and seems to look into my soul.
The only other person who has ever looked at me like this is Josh. Its a look Ive come to associate with unconditional love and need.
It shouldnt surprise me to see Davids unfocused eyes stare at me like that; with every passing day our son looks more and more like his father.
Sitting under a heat lamp, my son nursing away, I decide its okay with me. He and I will bond in our own way and in our own time.
Hell come running to me with every scrape and to Josh with every frog.
Not unlike what I did as a child.
Im okay with that.
Josh hates frogs.
He and I will both take pride in Davids every accomplishment because this little being is our joint creation. We will love him unconditionally and cherish the little moments together.
At night, when the house is quiet and were lying in bed, well giggle over his mishaps and cry over his milestones and mistakes.
Well give him siblings and watch with wonder as they fight with one another in one instant and fight for each other the next.
Josh and I are going to grow old together surrounded by David and our family.
Thats all that matters.
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