Smile

by: Kelley

Rating: TEEN
Category: A/U, general, Josh/Amy, [just for a little while], D/other, J/D
Spoilers: Anything through the first three seasons is fair game but I’ll try to stick to pre-"Stirred".
Disclaimers: I have absolutely no claim to these West Wing characters whatsoever, no matter what the voices inside my head say. As for any other references to pop culture I may make that I don’t own, I am a lowly high school student with a C+ average, no money, and a highly overactive imagination so please don’t sue! Emma Wilder, Ben Peterson, T.J. Moss, Nicole Moss-Braun, Lily Irving, Mena Falansio, and Dr. Michael Flynn are entirely my creation and I retain all rights to exclusively use them in my fics.
Feedback: I will shave a monkey’s uncle for feedback, baby!
Notes: The story starts after the Democratic National Convention, where the president was re-nominated and is pretty much A/U. There will be flashbacks that will be marked with *****. The president finally hired a replacement for Mrs. Landingham and he chose Donna. Since she, like the rest of us, can’t stand to see Josh with Amy she took the job. Also Bruno, Connie, and Doug never existed in this universe. Other than that, everything’s pretty much as is.

Toby’s Office: That Afternoon

Whack. Pause. Whack. Pause. Whack...

"Can I help you?" Sam asked in a strained tone, entering the office. He had been determined this time to ignore Toby’s incessant bouncing but, like in many other things, Toby’s patience had held out longer than his.

"I don’t know," replied Toby, putting the ball back down on his desk. "You haven’t yet in four and half years so why break tradition?"

"Ah," Sam knowingly said. "So we’re gonna do this now."

"This?" Toby questioned while putting his head back.

"Yeah this," continued Sam, moving to sit on the plush sofa. "You know, were something’s bothering you but you don’t want to admit to it so you end up calling me in here to belittle me but I see through it and..."

"There are many, many things that bother me on a daily basis, Sam," Toby countered, "and you don’t see me running to cry on your shoulder every hour, do you?" Sam just gave him that look, that wounded little puppy look he got whenever he couldn’t fix something. Toby sighed and continued, "I’m worried about her."

"About Donna?"

"You know any other female companions of ours that is stricken with a potentially terminal illness?" Toby asked sarcastically.

Sam rolled his eyes at Toby. He looked thoughtful for a second before replying, "I think she’s okay. She’s not getting any worse from what the doctor says. She’s been better since her brother got here."

"Yeah," said Toby uninterested. "I know all this."

"Then what are you so worried about?" Sam inquired curiously.

"Where’d CJ go?" Toby asked, changing topics, stopping his bouncing for second while he waited for Sam’s response.

"She was gonna go visit with Donna for a little while, then come back for the afternoon briefing," Sam said.

Toby reached back for the ball and began the seemingly fluid action of throwing and catching his second favorite stress reliever. Since there weren’t any Young Republicans that he could verbally and philosophically pummel into oblivion, he settled for the bouncing. Whack. Pause. Whack. Pause. Whack. Pause...

Then all of a sudden, before Toby knew what had happened, Sam flew up from the coach and managed to intercept the ball as it bounced from the wall back to Toby. When it was over, Sam looked at the pink rubber ball and knew immediately that he’d crossed some unspoken line with Toby but he honestly didn’t care at the moment.

"Once more," Sam asked in a clipped tone, "what’s worrying you?"

Toby stared daggers at Sam and he wanted nothing more than to grab him by the collar and drag him from the bullpen. But it was a momentary flash of anger that burned out as quickly as it flamed up. Sam just wanted to help, like always, and sometimes he did it in a way that annoyed the never-ending crap out of people. But that was just Sam.

"I’m worried about Donna..." Toby started before Sam cut in.

"As you’ve said but I want to know..."

"And Josh," Toby finished firmly.

This threw Sam off his game a little. "Josh?" he repeated confused. "He’s doing fine." Sam went back to sit on the couch. "I mean he’s better now than he was last week. He’s talking to us more, he’s cutting back a little on work, he’s spending more time with Donna..."

"Which is exactly the reason why I’m worried," Toby interjected solemnly.

"Why?" inquired Sam from his place across from Toby. "You think it’s gonna affect his work or something?"

Although it could be somewhat endearing at certain, rare moments, right now Sam’s naivete on the situation scared Toby. "Josh has been spending any moment that he’s not here at the office at the hospital with Donna," Toby explained. "He hasn’t been taking any high-level meetings recently and he’s been working from home more often than not. You think that these are things that members of the Press Corp haven’t noticed?"

"He’s taking some time off to help take care of a sick friend who happens to be his assistant," Sam scoffed, not even looking at Toby.

"He’s ditching work to spend personal time with his twenty-something secretary," Toby countered. Sam’s head snapped back to look at him, a look of utter shock and disappointment etched across his face. "It looks bad, Sam," Toby continued. "We’re in the middle of one of the closest elections of the twentieth century. The President is just starting to get back credibility with the public. Michigan and Florida are both up for grabs, we haven’t had a single debate yet, Ritchie’s people are taking every opportunity they can to run us off the side of the road, we’re trying to get a landmark education bill that would give billions to inner city schools through a Republican Congress, and the Deputy C.o.S can’t be bothered to attend any policy meetings because a beautiful, young staffer who works directly under him needs her hand held." He paused to let his words sink in. "That’s what it’s gonna look like when it breaks and if you don’t think it’ll break, I suggest that you get out of professional politics right now."

"I can’t believe you," Sam sneered going over to stand directly in front of Toby. "She’s.... she’s just.... she’s the way she is now and you think now is the time to become the Morality Police? You think this is the kind of thing she should be focusing on now?!"

"No I don’t," Toby replied tersely. "I think the only thing that Donna should concentrate on is getting well again. But guess what? Not everyone else thinks like me..."

"And you have no idea how grateful the rest of us are for that fact," Sam spat out.

Toby eyeballed him for a second before continuing. "Certainly," he said in a voice that was clearly fighting for some control, "not the press who write the papers. Or the public that reads those papers. Or the public that reads those papers and then goes to vote. They won’t see the whole picture; they’ll what they want to see. They’ll see what entertains them. That’s what politics is all about these days, Sam, entertainment. Choosing the leader of the free world has become cheaper entertainment than going to the movies."

"Have you always been this much of a bastard and I just never noticed," Sam egged on, "or was this just something that happened recently because of the election? Because I can’t think of any other reason as to why you’d think that two people, who’ve never been anything more than good friends with each other and you for that matter, could possibly think that..."

"He said that he loves her," Toby interrupted him, looking Sam straight in the eye.

Sam was blindsided for the second time in the conversation. "What?" he asked, his anger at Toby momentarily put on hold. "When?"

"Last night," Toby answered, backing down and going to sit on the couch.

"Josh just told you he was in love with Donna?" Sam questioned, disbelief permeating his words.

"Not me," Toby explained, "Leo. I was going by Josh’s office to drop some revisions to the President’s speech in Raleigh on Tuesday and Leo was in there talking with him. I didn’t catch the whole conversation but I got the jist of it. Right before Leo left, Josh admitted that he loved Donna and that he didn’t know what he was gonna do about it." He paused for a minute, letting his words sink in. "The Republicans are gonna have a field day with this. Congressional hearings, sexual harassment bills introduced, you name it, they’ll try it. The AFA will make Josh and Donna the poster couple for Democratic immorality. There will be exposé’s about Donna on Dateline and 20/20 with her old friends, lovers, second cousins twice removed. Her life won’t be her own anymore. And CJ won’t be able to stem the tide once the waves start rolling in. We won’t be able to protect them. And while all this is going..."

"Donna’s still sick," Sam grudgingly admitted.

"Yeah," Toby answered softly.

Sam pondered Toby’s words for a moment before he turned back to Toby and said, "Will you excuse me?" and walked out before Toby could respond.

Toby himself headed back for his desk chair, hoping to relieve some of his stress before he went back to meet with the President. He was searching around his desk area trying to remember where he'’ placed the rubber ball when he heard a loud "whack" against the plexi-glass window that came from Sam’s office. He stopped his search, figuring Sam needed to relieve his own stress more at that moment.

Donna’s Room: Same Time

"So," CJ said nonchalantly to Donna, "how are you feel..."

"CJ, I swear on the Constitution of the United States that if you finish that sentence I will be held responsible for my actions," Donna cut her off, only half-kidding. CJ had been with her for a couple of hours now, talking with her about everything and nothing, trying in vain to distract her from where she was and what she was doing here. It hadn’t worked although Donna appreciated the effort. She just felt like she was slipping away just a little bit more with each day that passed. Like right now, she felt more tired than she could ever remember being. It was scaring her. She wasn’t ready to die yet. There was too much left for her to do. With work, with her education, with Josh, with her daughter...

Suddenly, Donna felt dizzy. Dizzy, like she was falling off a cliff and she couldn’t stop herself. Dizzy, like she’d spun in a circle for hours and hours. Dizzy, like nothing she’d ever felt before.

"Donna?" she heard CJ voice ask her in a panicked tone. "Are you okay?"

Donna couldn’t answer. She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t move, and then she couldn’t see as everything in the room went black.

"Emma," was the last thing she whispered before she was sucked back into a dark oblivion.

Offices of N.O.W.: Same Time

Josh paced slowly against the gleaming black tile of the N.O.W. offices, continuing to wait for Amy twenty minutes after his scheduled appointment with her. He knew she was just playing a game with him but it was a game that he no longer had any interest in winning. He decided he was gonna break up with her pretty much as soon as he walked into her office. Just go in there and tell her that their personal relationship was over. He was gonna do it and she knew it too. She had to have known it, especially after what had happened during the past week. But now she was probably pissed that she couldn’t end the relationship first so making him wait was Amy’s little way of punishing him. Josh just hoped she’d hurry up. He had a phone conference with the Majority Leader at five o’clock that he couldn't get out of and he had flowers waiting in his car for him to give to Donna. She hadn’t been back from her treatments when Josh and Lily went back upstairs so he decided that he’d kill time by settling things with Amy. Josh smiled to himself, thinking that by the time he got back to the hospital, he’d be free to pursue whatever was going to happen with Donna.   

Abruptly, Josh felt a pain in his chest, a sharp, searing pain that wiped the smile right off his face. It was so bad that Josh had to practically collapse onto the couch. Thankfully, it went away almost as soon as he sat down but the fear that had come along with it lingered on. Josh knew instinctively that something bad had happened.

"Jay," he heard the familiar voice say to him as he stood and turned to look at Amy. Even on a Sunday, she was dressed in her typical D.C. power-wear while Josh was wearing a simple white tee shirt and oxford with a pair of jeans. The contrast was striking; Josh looked like he was going to meet someone at a coffee shop while Amy looked ready to take on a dozen Congressmen.

"Amy," he answered casually. He saw her give him a quick once over before turning and heading back towards her office motioning for him to follow. When they got to her new office, he was surprised to see that the unorganized clutter that had existed in the office only a few weeks ago was now turned into an efficient workspace that any White House staffer would envy. Pretty impressive considering that she'd just been hired three weeks ago.

"Wow, this place looks great," he commented neutrally. "I hardly recognize it."

"Well, maybe if you stopped by once in awhile," Amy said in a deadly polite tone, "you’d have noticed sooner."

"Amy, I’m not here to fight," he sighed in frustration. Everything was always a competition that had to be won or lost with her. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"Okay," she said, going to sit behind her large mahogany desk. "Talk."

He chose to remain standing, partly because he didn’t want to get comfortable and partly because he wanted to maintain some semblance of control in this conversation. "I know we haven’t seen each other much in the past week but with the campaign and all..."

"Yeah," Amy replied. "You’ve been busy. I get it. So have I. It’s not easy being in charge of one of the most powerful women's political groups during an election year. So what do you wanna talk about?"

He decided to just get it over with quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid. "I don’t think that things are working out between us," Josh said quietly.

Amy closed her eyes and nodded slowly. "And you arrived at this conclusion when exactly?" she asked sarcastically, not looking at him.

"Last night," he told her honestly. "But it’s been building for awhile. I think we both know that."

"Yeah," she admitted. "I guess it has." She gave him a small smile, her hostility towards him dissipating once she realized she no longer had to angry at him for her being second in his life. "That’s what sucks about being so determined to win all the time I guess, you don’t always know when to quit."

"I am sorry, Amy," he told her sincerely. "I’m sorry I screwed things up for you with Tandy..."

"Oh, trust me, that didn’t have anything to do with you," she assured him. "Well maybe a little something," she added when she saw the slightest look of dejectment on his face.

"Well anyways," he said after a few moments, "good luck to you."

"You too," she replied, getting up to shake his hand. As he was almost at the door she added, "And to Donna too."

He turned back to look at her surprised. "Excuse me?"

She laughed out loud. "Oh come on, Jay," she said in a teasing voice. "You’d have to be deaf, dumb, and blind not to see how much you love her. And vice-versa." She smiled softly at him. "I was actually referring to her being sick though. Everyone on the Hill knows about it and we’re all concerned about her."

"Even my good friends on the Christian Right?" Josh asked with a slight grin.

"Hey, they’ll all say that Donna puts together the nicest apology letters and fruit baskets of all the White House assistants," Amy replied smiling. "Why do you think they’re always baiting you and not Sam or Toby?"

"Well, there’s some food for thought," he answered, going back towards the door. Once he was there again, he felt that same sharp pain in his chest that he’d felt in the lobby. This time, though it didn’t go away immediately. When Amy saw him leaning against the doorframe, with his hand on his chest, she grew concerned.

"Josh," she asked hurriedly. "Are all right?"

"Um...yeah I think so," he told her even though he didn’t believe it himself. He was positive something terrible had happened. "I’m, uh, just gonna go now."

"Okay," she said, still not convinced. "You’ll give my best to Donna and her family?"

‘Donna’ his mind instantly blared. "Oh God," he muttered to himself, rushing out of the office.

GWU: 1 Hour Later

Josh arrived on Donna’s floor roughly an hour later, having been delayed by late afternoon traffic and jogging up five flights of stairs rather than waiting for the elevator. When he got towards Donna’s room he saw a large group of people gathered in the small waiting room. His heart dropped when he saw who they were. Lily was leaning back against a wall opposite Josh, her arms folded across her chest and her head turned away from him. CJ was sitting near Lily; her eyes glistening with unshed tears. Sam and Toby were talking in hushed tones in a corner of the room while several of the support staff, including Margaret, Bonnie, Ginger and Charlie were huddled in a small cluster of chairs towards the left of Josh.

Charlie was the first to spot him. "Josh," he said, going over to the man that he looked up to like a brother and putting a hand on his shoulder.

"What happened?" Josh panted out to no one in particular. "Where’s Donna? What’s wrong? I she..."

"She had a...attack or an episode, I don’t know what to call it," Charlie told him, his eyes sympathetic. "They transferred her to ICU, which thankfully is on this floor. Nicole and T.J. are with her now. Dr. Flynn said he’d be out here as soon as he had some information for us."

Josh was at a loss for words, something that he rarely dealt with. How could it all be going so bad, so fast? The woman he just realized he wanted to spend the rest of his life with was currently fighting for her own life and there was nothing that he could do about it. He couldn’t ever remember feeling this helpless, not even when he was watching his childhood home burn to the ground in front of him while his sister was trapped inside. He leaned one hand against a wall and when he brought the other to his wipe his face, he was surprised to find the moisture from his tears line the palm of his hand.

Dr. Flynn walked in then, followed closely behind by Nicole and T.J. Nicole looked like she was on the skinny end of losing it while T.J. just looked numb to everything around him, like he was debating something inside his head that no one could be let in on. They both took a seat while Dr. Flynn prepared to address the group.

"We’ve managed to stabilize her," he said solemnly. "Her blood pressure dropped dramatically and she went into a cardiac arrest. We got her back but she’s in a coma."

"But she’ll be okay, right?" Margaret asked in quiet desperation.

The doctor looked at them all carefully, Josh especially, before continuing. "If she doesn’t get a transplant within a week," he paused and swallowed, "there won’t be anything we can do for her." Dr. Flynn always believed in being completely honest with his patients and their loved ones. Sometimes, honesty was the only left that he could give them. He averted his eyes from the group. "I’m so sorry."

"You’re sorry?" Josh asked him, venom lacing his every word. "She’s dy... dying while you just sit around, not doing anything for her and you’re sorry?!"

"Josh..." Toby started from his corner.

"No don’t, Toby," Josh shot back. "Don’t try to defend the good doctor. He doesn’t deserve it!"

"Mr. Lyman, I understand how you must feel..." Dr. Flynn tried to cut in.

"Bullshit!" he shouted back, startling everyone in the room. "You know nothing about what I’m going through! Don’t even try to say that about me!" He pounded his fist against the wall in frustration so hard that he dented the white plaster.

"Josh, please stop it!" Nicole cried from her chair, tears streaming down her face. "This doesn’t help anyone." He was mollified by her words and turned away from them all, burying his face against arms against the wall and crying harder than he ever remembered. Charlie put both of his hands on Josh's shoulders, trying to think of something to ease the man's despair and could come up with nothing. All he could do was silently be there for him while his own tears coursed down his cheeks. Taking a quick glance at everyone else in the room, Charlie saw that they were all pretty much in the same boat he was.

"There’s still time," Dr. Flynn said feebly. "We could still get a match. I’ll call the registry, they have to have something by now..."

"But it's not likely, is it Dr. Flynn," Toby gently corrected him. He knew that Josh couldn't deal with being given even the smallest form of hope only to have it be snatched away. The doctor's almost imperceptible nod confirmed what Toby had asked.

"I think," Toby said huskily, listening to the sobs of his dearest friends and co-workers, "that maybe we should, I don't know, figure out how to get everyone here that'd want to say good-bye..."

"Donna has a daughter," T.J. proclaimed quietly from his chair.

Everything in the room stopped. The assistants looked at him strangely, Sam, CJ, and Toby turned to him with bewilderment in their eyes, Charlie and Josh’s heads shot up from where they were standing, and Dr. Flynn looked at him confused. Only Nicole and Lily didn’t stare at him as they hung both of their heads down low.

"I’m sorry?" Dr, Flynn asked the young man.

"I said Donna has a daughter," T.J. repeated, not looking at any of them in the eye. "She might be a match for the bone marrow."

"I don’t understand," Sam said to him baffled. "She has a daughter?" T.J. nodded, still not looking him in the eye. "How? I mean, I’m pretty sure I know how, but I mean with who?"

"Ben Peterson," T.J. answered, wiping at his tired eyes. "He was the doctor that she dated in college..."

"Dr. Freeride?!" Bonnie exclaimed surprised. Almost all the other assistants suddenly recalled some of the stories they had heard about that particular boyfriend and one could tell by the looks on their faces that they did not recall him with any sense of kindness. "She had a child with that basta...?"

"Yeah," T.J. answered, cutting her off. "A little girl."

"How old is she?" Ginger asked curiously, somewhat over her shock. "Where has she been this whole time?"

"She’ll be five years old in a couple of months," Nicole told her quietly, breaking her silence. "She lives in Wisconsin with our grandmother."

"So you all knew and choose not to say anything," Toby said frostily, looking at T.J., Nicole, and Lily with unabashed anger, "no matter what the detriment to Donna’s life? You could’ve all opened your mouths as soon as you stepped off your planes and saved us all a lot of pain but you chose not to!"

"That is not true!" Lily cried out. "We begged her to say something but she refused to. She wanted us to honor her request because it might be..." Lily started choking up again, "it might be the last thing she ever asked us to do."

"Emma," CJ whispered to herself. Lily, Nicole, and T.J. looked at her stunned while the others looked at her questioningly. "Her little girl’s name is Emma, isn’t it?" she clarified louder.

"Yes," Nicole replied. "How did you know that?"  

CJ focused on a spot on her shoes, remembering that frightening moment with perfect clarity as she had watched her friend struggle for life. "It was the thing that she said before..." She shook her head. "Her name was the last thing Donna said before she went into a coma."

Dr. Flynn, who had been listening quietly to the exchanges, now stepped in. "We’re going to need your niece and your grandmother to fly out here as soon as possible," he told Nicole. "I’ll arrange for a private plane to bring them here. Where’d you say they lived again?"

"In Madison, Wisconsin," Nicole told him, "but we have to be the ones to call her and explain things. You see, our grandmother, Mena, she doesn’t really trust doctors..."

"You haven’t told her yet, have you?" Sam condemned from his spot. "You haven’t even told her that her granddaughter’s dying, have you?"

"What we’ve done," T.J. said, glaring at Sam, "or haven’t done, has all been at Donna’s request. Believe me, things would’ve been much different if we’d had our way"

"Why didn't she say anything?" Josh finally spoke, his voice like sad, lost child. "In all these years, why didn't she ever...?"

"I think that the important thing right now," Dr. Flynn interrupted, holding up his hand, "is to get this child here and tested before we let our emotions get the better of us. Nicole, if you could call your grandmother right now, I'll start making the arrangements for your niece, uh..."

"Emma," Nicole told him quietly, already getting up and getting her cell phone out.

"Yes, Emma," he continued, making some notes on Donna's charts. "I'll start getting the arrangements ready so she can be tested once she gets here. I can actually get some of the preliminary testing out of the way if I could have access to Emma’s medical files. Can someone...?" he asked as he headed towards his office.

"I'll call her pediatrician," T.J. offered, rising to head for the bank of pay phones.

Lily sighed and stretched out her neck. "I'll call my hotel," she told the group. "I'll get them a room there." With that, the three of them left the waiting area to make their various phone calls.

"Well, uh," Toby fumbled after a minute. "We, ah, better get back to the White House. The President and the First Lady wanted an update. And we've, um, got meetings on the EEA so..."

"Yeah," said CJ, following him towards the door. Sam was behind them after giving the stunned Josh a reaffirming squeeze on the shoulder.

"I'll handle things with the Majority Leader," he told Josh, not even sure if Josh could understand him at the moment. Josh blinked as if he hadn't realized Sam was there and nodded slowly. "You know, with the conference call..."

"Thank you," he said hoarsely. The events of the past twenty-four hours had certainly taken their toll on him.

Slowly everyone filtered out of the room, except Josh who remained standing where he'd been since he'd walked in. Charlie patted him on the back before leaving and all the assistants gave him the smallest of smiles as they each walked out. Just before she left, Margaret turned back to him.

"I called Leo just before you got here," she informed him. "He was on his way here. Do you want me to call him back and tell him to stay or...?"

"No," Josh told her. "No I'll take care of it."

With that, the room was empty, save Josh, and he was left alone to ponder this turbulent day that had so dramatically shifted the course of the rest of his life. From realizing the depth of his love for Donna, to almost losing her without her knowing what she meant to him, to finding out that she'd been keeping secrets from him since the moment they met. It was just too much for anyone to handle by himself, let alone him. He didn't know where to turn.

Then, without him even realizing it, he'd gotten up and gone to the front desk. He told the young woman sitting there that if anyone came here looking for him, to tell them where he'd gone. After Josh had told the woman where he was heading, he went towards the stairs and began walking down them slowly until he reached the first floor. From there, he went down a series of hallways, guided by the maroon colored sings on the walls, until he reached his destination. Josh took a deep breath and opened the doors before walking in.

Growing up in a predominantly Jewish community, he had had little understanding of Christian faith or customs as a young boy. It was only when he began attending school at Harvard, located near one of the most Catholic cities in North America, that he'd even seen the inside of a church, which he saw when he attended a Sunday Mass with a girl he wanted to impress. The gothic beauty and graphic art depictions of the last days of Christ along the walls had startled him at first. After his political career got off the ground and he began campaigning with first Hoynes and then Bartlet, he began attending many political rallies that were held in churches and chapels and eventually got used to how they looked.

This intimate, hospital chapel was much smaller than the other ones that he'd been in. There were six rows of pews on each side of the aisle and every pew could probably hold no more than five people. There was a small alter in front with a pulpit in the center. A wooden crucifix hung on the wall behind the pulpit and candles lined the wall in front of the alter.

Josh sighed and walked up to the front pew to the right of him. He sank down into the cool wood and leaned forward, resting his elbows across the stand and sinking his head into his hands. He didn't know why he'd come here, he just knew for some reason that here was where he needed to be right then. Maybe, at that moment, he needed some sort of connection to faith, even if it wasn’t his own or maybe he just needed to be away from everyone right then. But he didn’t know what brought him and now that he was here, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He wasn't even sure how to act in a temple anymore, let alone a chapel. He was just...lost.

‘Just tell me what to do,’ he pleaded silently in his mind. ‘I know that you’re not, in the purely dogmatic sense, my God and that I’ve probably committed numerous Christian sins many times in my life. But I swear, if you could just send me an answer, I swear that I’ll try to...’

"How you doing, kid?" he heard a gruff voice ask him. His head shot up and he turned around to see Leo standing in the doorway, looking at him concerned. He could only imagine how bad he looked at that moment.

"I'd tell you if I knew," Josh answered, turning back to stare at the crucifix that held such meaning for so many others but was nothing more than a symbol to him.

Leo walked slowly towards him until he was behind him. Before he sat, Leo bowed his head towards the alter and quickly crossed himself before sitting down in the pew behind Josh. Neither man spoke for what seemed like an eternity.

"What does the bread taste like?" Josh suddenly asked him.

"I'm sorry?" Leo stated leaning forwards slightly.

"The bread," Josh repeated. "You know the body of Christ. The stuff that you guys get placed on your tongues. What does it taste like?"

"It tastes like bread," Leo said stonily. "Dry bread, but bread nonetheless."

 "That's interesting," Josh told him, still not looking at him. "I mean, you'd think that something that was once a body would taste more like..."

"Josh, stop it," Leo told him sternly. "Stop babbling about bread, turn around, and tell me what's wrong."     

Josh made no move like he was going to turn or talk so Leo continued. "Margaret called my cell phone. Told me that Donna was okay for now but that you needed to talk to me about something. So what is it?"

"Have you ever," Josh started, "just had a day or remembered a day that you wish more than anything that you could throw away and forget ever existed?"

"Of course," Leo answered, not really sure where this was going. "Everyone has."

"Well, I never used to think like that. I never used to live with regrets. It wasn’t until today that I realized that I did," Josh replied. "Technically, I guess it was yesterday that it happened, but whatever. It doesn't really matter right now."

"Josh, I don't understand where you're coming from," Leo said, desperate to understand what Josh wanted him to understand.

"I wish I hadn't hired Donna," he said quietly, shamefully. "I know that's a horrible thing to say but it's true."

"Why?" Leo asked him, stunned.

Josh swallowed heavily before going on. "If I hadn't hired her, I never would have known her. I never would have loved her and I never would have been able to be this hurt by her."

"Josh, it's not her fault she got sick," Leo told him passionately. "And it's not your fault either so I don't know..."

"She lied to me," he told Leo. "Hell, she lied to all of us, but to me the most."

"I...I still don't understand, Josh" Leo repeated feeling helpless. "Please just stop talking in tongues and tell me what happened, Son."

"She has daughter, Leo," he said quietly, turning at last to his mentor. "She has a little girl back in Wisconsin that she never told any of us about. Only her family and her best friend knew."

"What?" Leo asked him perplexed. "What do you mean?"

"The boyfriend, the doctor she put through med school," Josh clarified hurriedly. "She had a child with him. A little girl named Emma."

"Donna." Leo repeated, hoping that Josh was going to correct him. "Donna has a daugh..."

"God!" Josh cried, smacking his hand against the pew. "I can’t even stand to hear anyone else say it!"

Leo reached out and grabbed his arm. "Okay, calm down Josh," he said carefully. "Just take a deep breath and calm down." Once Josh did that and Leo felt that he was ready to continue, he tried again. "Start from the top."

And so Josh explained everything that had gone on from the point when Leo had left him last night. From going straight to Donna that evening, to the next morning with Lily, to ending things with Amy and feeling what he now knew to be empathy pains, to the confrontation in the waiting room no more than a half hour ago. By the time he finished, Josh was on the brink again and even Leo had to admit he himself was emotionally exhausted just listening to Josh.

"How could she do this, Leo?" Josh asked him again when he’d finished. "How could she lie to me about something like this. I’ve never lied to her before. Well okay, I have but only about little things, like eating breakfast and she always catches me on those anyways so it doesn’t really count. But to lie to someone that you care about, even if said someone doesn’t realize how much you care about them, about something as big as being a parent is just..."

"Joshua Elijah Lyman," Leo interrupted harshly in the middle of Josh’s soliloquy, "do you still love Donna?"

That comment, and being interrupted, made Josh angry. "Of course I do," he said annoyed.

"Is there anyone else in this world besides her that you want to see everyday for the rest of your life?"

"No way."

"Do you want to spend the rest of your life making sure that the world she lives in is worthy of her?"

"Absolutely."

"Would you, if given the chance, trade places with her right now to spare her the pain she’s going through?"

"In a heartbeat."

Leo stopped and smiled softly at him. "Then what the hell’s the problem?"

Josh sighed and smiled back at him. Leo always did have a way of putting things back into focus. "I don’t remember," he said. Then, he did remember. "I just wish I knew why she lied..." Josh started in on again.

Leo held up a hand to stop him before he went off like he did a minute ago. "I’m sure Donna and her family had their reasons," Leo admitted. "Whether or not they were valid, we shouldn’t be worrying about this minute. Now, what we worry about is getting Donna back on her feet and back into your arms. Okay? Just trust me, kid."

"Why should I trust an old geezer like you?" Josh scoffed good-naturedly.

Leo smiled at him. "’Cause that’s what sons do for old friends of their fathers."

GWU: Later That Evening

The group was gathered again in the small waiting room in the hospital that had become like a second home to many of them. While really a third home since to most of them, their first home was considered the White House. But there they all were, minus a few faces. CJ was back from the White House, having finished her briefings for the day, but Charlie, Toby, and Sam had to stay behind for a black-tie affair thrown by some bigwigs for the DNC. Carol and Margaret were there, representing the support staff and, of course, Josh hadn’t even left, unless you count his excursion to the chapel. After Leo had left him to get back, Josh had spent the last several hours walking around the hospital grounds contemplating what he had learned about himself and others in the past forty-eight hours. Now he was back with the others, impatiently waiting for the arrival of Donna’s grandmother and her child. The child that she’d kept hidden away from the rest of them for nearly five years.

Of Donna’s blood family, T.J. was the only on present. Nicole had become so upset after speaking with her grandmother on the phone that Dr. Flynn had finally given her something to help her sleep. Lily was outside, her nicotine craving just too strong to ignore, even at a time like this. But Josh could sympathize. The tension in the room was so palpable right then that if Josh had been a smoker, he was sure he would have chain-smoked his way through two packs by now.

For the past hour, Josh had been alternately pacing around the room, chatting quietly with CJ about something unimportant, or shooting dirty looks at T.J. The later had become his personal favorite though T.J. didn’t seem to be appreciating it very much. He finally got so frustrated that he voiced his displeasure.

"Listen man," he sneered at Josh, "you have something you want to say to me, just say it to my face and get it over with."

"Me?" Josh asked, feigning innocence. "Why would I need to say anything to you?"

"Josh," CJ started, not wanting to watch WWIII erupt in front of her. From the little she knew about T.J., she could tell that he was the kind of person that was going to come out of the gate swinging with both fists and now was neither the time nor the place. "Just let it go for now, okay?"

"No, it’s all right CJ," Josh told her politely. "T.J. here, for some reason, is taking offense to the way I’m acting, though I can’t imagine why. I mean, wouldn’t you except a man who loves a dying woman to be just the slightest bit pissed that that woman’s family had endangered her life for no reason..."

"Oh, get off it!" T.J. shot back. Margaret and Carol glanced at each other then quickly excused themselves, saying they were going to get something to eat. They did not want to stick around for this. "We were doing what Donna asked us to..."

"And if Donna asked you to jump off the Washington Monument," Josh countered dryly, "would you be willing to do that for her too?"

"If it was a promise I made to her, than yes I would," T.J. replied calmly. "You see, in our family, we believe in keeping our promises to one another. It’s something that we hold very sacred in lour family. That..." He paused before he delivered the right-hook. "And honesty."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Josh asked angrily.

"Coming from a man who’s been playing spin doctor during this past year," T.J. challenged him, "for a man who lied to an entire country about his health, I’d think that..."

"Don’t even try to compare the two!" Josh shouted at him.

"Well, you’re trying to make us out to be monsters here, Josh. What the hell am I supposed to do?!"

"Take responsibility for the fact that it’s partly your fault that Donna’s in there right now!"

"Screw you!"

"Where the hell do you get off...?"

"Uncle T.J.!"

The three of them were startled by the small shout and even more so when a flash of blonde streaked into the room and ran straight to T.J. He recovered quickly and bent down just in time to grab the child and lift her up in the air, her voice squealing in child-like delight. Josh and CJ assumed that they were getting their first look at the mysterious Emma.

"Uncle T.J.!" the little girl shouted again in a slightly lower volume than before. T.J. was holding her up to his chest and she had wrapped her coltish arms and legs around him. "I missed you so, so much!"

"Well, I bet missed you more kiddo," T.J. teased.

"Nuh-uh," responded Emma, shaking her head vigorously, her blond, curly locks flying everywhere. "I missed you a million times more."

"Oh, a million huh," T.J. answered sweetly. "Well that’s not bad but I missed you a billion times more."

"I missed you a trillion times more!"

"I missed you an infinity times more," T.J. playfully taunted.

Emma promptly stuck her chin out defiantly and said in a superior tone, "I missed you a double-dog dare infinity times more than you missed me!"

"All right, you win," T.J. grunted out as he gently set her down. "But there always next time."

It was then that Emma noticed she wasn’t alone in the room with her uncle. "Uncle T.J.," she whispered to him, "who are they?" she asked pointing to Josh and CJ.

"Okay, first off, it’s not polite to point," he mildly reprimanded her, "and secondly, you know who they are, sweetie. You’ve seen pictures of them remember? This is CJ Cregg," motioning to her, "and this Josh Lyman. They work at the White House, with Mommy. Can you say hi?"

"Hi," she said shyly, casting her bright blue eyes down to the floor. She stuck a perfectly pink polished nail into her mouth and played with the hem of her yellow blouse, which matched beautifully with her little white, ruffled skirt. She wore a big white headband atop her blonde hair and two tiny gold studs were in her ears.

"Oh, now don’t be shy," T.J. said, prodding her forward. Emma still didn’t budge. "She’s like this around new people," T.J. told CJ and Josh unnecessarily. CJ nodded and smiled at the child but Josh was too busy staring at the little girl to be bothered with listening to her uncle. Emma had Donna’s eyes, her nose, and her cheekbones. Looking at her, Josh felt like he could have been looking at Donna when she was four. He instantly got a strange feeling deep within in his heart, a quick tightness that didn’t really hurt, but that made an impact nonetheless. Josh was quick to recognize what he’d used to be able to deny. He had had this same feeling the first time he saw Donna, only in a different way. He was falling in love with this child before he even said hello to her. It made him feel almost ashamed of the way he’d acted before. He had been completely indifferent to this child, who was an extension of Donna, when he’d first learned of her existence. Now, it seemed he almost couldn’t remember what his life had been like before he saw Emma. ‘Just like her mother,’ he thought to himself with a smile.

"Hey," Josh said, getting down on his knees and coming down to eye level with Emma. She cautiously lifted her eyes up to look into Josh’s warm brown ones. "My name’s Josh. I take it that your name is Emma. Am I correct in assuming that?" Emma nodded, a tiny smile gracing her lips. "Well, Emma it’s a pleasure to meet you. Now, I know that we’ve just met but I’m gonna ask you a very serious and important question and I need an honest answer from you, okay?" Emma nodded again. Josh sighed dramatically and then continued, "Who are you planning to vote for in November? President Bartlet or Governor Ritchie?"

"I don’t know," she answered with a grin. "I can’t vote yet. If I could I’d for the President," she added.

"You can’t vote yet?" Josh responded in mock horror. "Why I thought you were at least twenty-five! How old are you? Nineteen?" Emma started giggling. "Eighteen? Fifteen?" Emma’s giggling had turned into full-blown laughter. "Well, I’m obviously terrible at guessing games so why don’t you just tell me how old you are?"

"I’m four, silly!" she laughed. She turned her head back up to her uncle. "You were right, he does sound like a big, old dumb....

"And I don’t think we’ve met," CJ cut the girl off, stealing a look at the two men before a word could come out of either of their mouths. "My name is CJ Cregg, it’s very nice to meet you. You seem like a very smart young lady."

"Likewise," answered Emma, giving her a brilliant smile. She looked back at her uncle excitedly. "Where’s Mommy? Nana Mena said we were coming to see her."

T.J. tried to divert her attention. "Yeah, where is Nana Mena anyway?" he asked Emma, looking around.

"An old man with a white doctor’s coat and one of the necklaces with the ear things came and met us when we got here," she said. They assumed she meant Dr. Flynn. "They’re talking in his office. She told me to come see if you, Aunt Nicole, or Lily were here and to not get into trouble. Now where’s my mommy?" she demanded.  

The three adults looked at each other and then back at the little girl, trying telepathically to decide how much information she could absorb without being too scared. None of them knew what was right to say or do, so Josh just decided to go with the first thing that came to his mind.

"We’re going to see Mommy later," he gently told the girl. "Right now though, you and I are going to the vending machine to get us some candy. How does that sound to you?"

"Okay," Emma answered a little unevenly, sensing immediately that something was going on that she shouldn’t know about. "Then can we see Mommy right after?"

"Maybe later," he told her, reaching for her hand. Her chubby, sticky fingers wrapped around his hand and he silently looked at T.J. for permission. When he nodded, Josh and Emma headed out the room, each with different thoughts floating in their minds. Emma was thinking about how nice this man was and how right her mommy had been about him. Josh was thinking about how much he already cared about Emma after only a few minutes and how much he hoped he wouldn’t have to tell her that she wouldn’t be able to see Mommy again.

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

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