The National Library - A West Wing Fanfiction Archive

Too Much Thinking

by: Ginny

Category: Post-ep to Stirred
Pairing: Josh/Donna
Characters: Josh and Donna
Rating: YTEEN

I'm a little shaky as I wander out of Leo's office. My head hurts, my back is killing me and I haven't eaten in God only knows how long. I keep hearing those four words over and over again in my head.

Because I Could Die.

Never before have I thought of Hoynes in terms so blunt. I push those thoughts aside and wonder if Donna's around. She's not at her desk as I walk by. Maybe she's in my office. Waiting to thank me, with coffee...chocolate...herself draped across my desk.

Whoa, where did that come from?

OK, let's be realistic, I'm not getting any of those things. She doesn't bring me coffee, she's curbed my sugar intake since I spazzed out on Sprite, LemonHead candy and YooHoo a few weeks ago, and the third thing....let's not even go there.

As is my luck she's not in my office but there is a note from her telling me to meet her at "our place".

Our place? It's one in the morning, she shouldn't be at "our place" alone, at one in the morning.

Now our place is within walking distance of the White House but I am honestly exhausted and don't feel like walking any further than I have to so I grab my backpack and head for my car. I notice Donna's car is still in the lot. Now she's making me nervous, she shouldn't be out walking the streets of DC at one in the morning.

Ten minutes later I park the car. I see Donna sitting on the steps. She smiles and waves a little as I get out and walk towards her. My eyes wander up to glance at the marble likeness of Abraham Lincoln rising up behind Donna.

As I get closer I notice her smile fades a bit. I realize quickly it is probably because I'm limping, I'm exhausted and, in general, I look like crap.

She pats the spot next to her and as I sit down she hands me a brown bag and a bottle of iced tea.

"What's this?"

"Well, I took a wild guess and figured you hadn't eaten lately. There's a ham and cheese sandwich and a bag of chips."

"Good guess, thanks."

I take a bite of the sandwich as Donna opens the iced tea, taking the first sip herself.

"So, I've been thinking." she says as she looks straight ahead towards the Washington Monument.

"About what?"

"About how to thank you for what you did." she says quietly as she continues to stare straight ahead.

I'm about to come up with some smart ass comment but something tells me now is not the time for that.

"You just did. Really, I was glad to do it. It was no big deal."

"I was a big deal Josh. You didn't have time to breathe today and yet you went out of your way...for me."

"Donna, look at me." I whisper as I tip her chin so I can look her in the eye. She's getting misty so I hand her a tissue out of my pocket. I had a feeling I may be needing some so I grabbed a handful on the way out of my office.

"I was happy to do it. So what exactly did the President do?"

"You don't know?"

I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. Donna breaks out in a big grin as she proceeds to tell me, in great detail, about the phone call from the Oval Office. By the time she's done she's gone through 2 tissues and I am about to grab one for myself.

"And then he kissed my forehead and we went back to work." she finishes with a big sniff.

I can't help but grin.

"Don't make fun of me. You don't know what it's like..."

"To be kissed on the forehead by the President of the United States? I most certainly do."

She looks at me strangely.

"In the recovery room, when I first woke up after the surgery." I explain.

"Oh." she says quietly. Even now, almost two years later we still have trouble talking about the shooting. It's something we would rather forget about all together. But that'll obviously never happen. And today is just one of those days when it's on my mind more than usual for a number of reasons, the pain in my back, the discussion in Leo's office about dying, the blood pressure check I went to this morning.

"You ok? You seem a little quiet." she asks as she holds out her hand for the bottle of tea.

I hesitate before I answer, not really sure if I am ok.

"I guess. I was just thinking about the meeting we just had. Something came up and it started me thinking about...stuff."

"OK Mr. 760 Verbal, what kind of stuff?" she teases as she nudges me a bit.

I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, which is going to make it a little hard to put into words but I guess I'll give it a shot.

"We had a discussion about Hoynes and President Bartlet wrote this note explaining why he would never replace Hoynes on the ticket. The note read, because I could die. And it just...I don't know, got me thinking about what kind of a legacy someone like Bartlet will leave behind when he dies. It's unbelievable how many lives he's touched, how many lives he's changed. And then I think of me, if I were to die tomorrow, what would I leave behind? My mother, a townhouse, a 6 year old car, my job and....and you." My voice is not much more than a whisper as I finish the sentence and lean over, putting my head in my hands.

"Joshua, you'd leave behind a much greater legacy than that. And you know it."

"Yeah, I forgot, I'll also be remembered as the guy who got shot by some racists with bad aim."

"Joshua," she says firmly as she yanks my chin up so she can look me in the eye. "You are so much more than that. What you do each and every day affects millions of people. What is with you tonight?" she asks, trying to sound annoyed but ending up sounding more worried.

"I don't know. Just a long day, I guess. Seems like not much went right today. I got Sam annoyed with me, I keep thinking about death and dying, my back is killing me, my head is pounding, my blood pressure was high and I....I'm exhausted."

I hear Donna sigh as she reaches out to rub my back for a minute. I realize that it is rare that I actually admit to not feeling well.

"Let's go." Donna announces as she stands to pull me to my feet and steers me towards my car, holding out her hands for the keys. I hand them over wordlessly and slump into the passenger's seat.

The ride home is thankfully quick. Not much traffic at this time of the morning. Donna unlocks my front door, pulls my backpack off my shoulder and points me towards the bathroom.

"Take a hot shower, I'll make some tea."

"Donna it's late, just take my car and go home. You can pick me up in the morning." I hear myself whine even though deep down I don't want her to leave.

She shakes her head a little and gives me her famous look that says; 'there's no way in hell I am leaving you by yourself right now.'

"Fine. There's a pile of clean laundry on the bed if you want to change out of your work clothes."

Twenty minutes later I come out of the bathroom wearing my favorite blue pajamas that are two sizes too big. Donna's standing in front of the window, looking out. I flop down on the couch and throw the quilt over me.

"Donna? You ok?" I ask when she doesn't move from in front of the window.

"Yeah, just thinking." she says quietly as she moves to sit down next to me.

"About what?" I ask as I toss her the end of the quilt.

"What you were saying before, about legacies and stuff like that."

"OK, that's it. Look, we've done more than enough thinking for today. We're just depressing ourselves." I tease as I reach for the mug of tea on the coffee table.

"You're right."

So we're quiet for a while, each of us lost in our own thoughts. I can't speak for Donna but my thoughts are pretty incoherent, which I suppose is normal considering I have been up for 21 hours now.

I think about how the people I love tend to die before their time, about how I am ten times more comfortable sitting here in silence with my assistant than I would be sitting here with my....well, Amy. I think about how I don't even know what to call Amy. Is she my girlfriend? Yeah, I think the jury's still out on that one. I think about how beautiful Donna looks curled up against the arm of the couch, wearing my sweats. I stretch my legs out trying to get comfortable, wincing from the pain in my back.

"Back bothering you?"

I nod and stand up to try and stretch. Bad idea, leaning over just makes my head pound more. Donna reaches out to grab me by the arm, guess I look like I'm about to fall over.

"You take Advil? Where's your heating pad?" she asks as she tosses the quilt off her legs and stands up.

"Yes, and I think in the linen closet."

Ten minutes later I'm settled down on my bed with the heating pad draped over my lower back. My eyes are closed but I can hear Donna walking around the room, probably putting my dirty laundry in the hamper, hanging up my suit and stuff like that. Things she certainly doesn't need to be doing.

"Donna, sit for a minute." I whisper in the direction of the closet.

I can tell she's hesitating. And with good reason, I suppose. I hear her cross the room and I slide over a little to give her room to sit down.

"You need anything?"

"No, I was just thinking."

"Not again." she teases as she reaches over and runs her fingers through my hair. It's comforting and I hear myself sigh.

"Very funny."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

"OK. In that case, I'm just going to go crash on the couch."

"Stay til I fall asleep? Please?" God, I sound pathetic.

"Sure."

She pulls her feet up onto the bed and settles down cross-legged next to me. She reaches over to gently rub my shoulders, as I was hoping she would. I think about what I couldn't put into words, about the feelings I shouldn't have for my assistant, but do anyway. About how, no matter what happens in the rest of my life, she's always there. This constant force trying to cheer me up. I think about what an utter and complete sap I've become. But I'll blame that on the fact that I'm overtired and in pain. Safer than blaming it on the real reason. The reason that just kissed my cheek, tucked me in and headed for the couch.

| << back | send feedback | The National Library |