The National Library - A West Wing Fanfiction Archive

What Do I Need?

by: Ginny

Category: Post-ep to The Fall's Gonna Kill You
Pairing: Josh/Donna
Characters: Josh and Donna
Rating: YTEEN

I watch CJ as she walks down the street towards home. I feel like we ended the conversation abruptly, maybe we should have, I don't know...hugged or something. Whatever. It's almost eleven but I don't feel like going home. I don't know what I feel like; I don't know what I need. It's been a long 4 days. I've been running on way too little sleep, junk food and massive amounts of caffeine.

So maybe I'll just stay out her for a while. It's nice out; the cool night air feels good. I've spent too much time cooped up inside the last 4 days. God have I only known for 4 days? Doesn't seem possible.

I still can't believe it. MS. The President has Multiple Sclerosis. And he kept it a secret. What a nightmare. And it's only beginning. I just hope the poll Joey does helps the situation. But I have serious doubts it will.

It wasn't under the best of circumstances but it was nice to see Joey. Too bad it was only for an hour in the airport. I was pretty proud of myself though. I managed to understand 90% of what she said and I guess I spoke clear enough for her to read my lips. It was strange. I knew I had to look directly at her when I spoke in order for her to read my lips but I almost didn't trust myself to look her in the eye. I was afraid of completely falling apart. Something I've been afraid of for 4 days now. I don't know how much longer I can keep it together. I came close to losing it when Joey asked how the President was doing. I muttered "he's fine" with my head down. I realized what I had done and was about to pick my head up and repeat myself when Joey reached over and lifted my chin to look me in the eye. She could tell just how close to the edge I was. As she got up I almost stood up and hugged her. But I didn't, not because I didn't want to, but because I probably would have caused a scene. I can see the headlines now, "Deputy Chief of Staff has Breakdown in Middle of Airport Terminal" CJ's got enough to worry about. I wish I had had more time to talk to Joey. Yes, about Donna. To tell her I think she was right about Donna's misdirection. But after how I've treated Donna over the past 4 days I'm not holding out any great hope that the two of us are going to fall into each other's arms any time soon.

I'm sure Donna's about ready to give up on me, professionally and personally. I've been a real pain in the ass the last few days. But God bless her, she hasn't cornered me to ask me what's wrong. And believe me, she knows something is wrong, very wrong. She knows me well enough to know that if I could talk about it, I would. Well, maybe I wouldn't really want to talk about it, but I would tell her what it was. OK, so maybe that thought wasn't exactly coherent. But that's how I feel now. Not too coherent, not too sure of what to do next, not too sure of what I need.

Maybe I do know what I need. I'm just having trouble putting it into words. I need to see Donna. I haven't seen her much today. Some days just work out that way. I had to listen about tobacco and spend hours with Toby and CJ trying to figure out how to *spin* this whole mess. All the while Donna was worried about a satellite hurtling towards the earth. I suppose I should have told her we get a message like that about once a week. But watching her run around like, well, Chicken Little, provided a little comic relief for today. And boy did we need that. I'll tell her tomorrow. Anyway, I missed her today.

Donna probably had an easy day today, didn't have to deal with me too much. She's been great. I know I'm really starting to worry her. I can see it in her eyes, the way she watches me when she thinks I'm not looking. It a mixture of concern, empathy and adoration. She's trying not to hover. I know she can't help but think about this past December. She's looking for warning signs. Checking the windows to make sure they are still intact. And I can't say I blame her. I got a good look at myself in the men's room mirror a little while ago. I look like hell. No wonder why she keeps putting her hand on my cheek and forehead, checking to see if I'm running a fever. Over the past few days she's done more for me without saying a single word. She knows when to push me in to my office and barricade the door, when to stay with me and when to leave me alone. Food and even the occasional cup of coffee have appeared on my desk. The food usually goes untouched but she hasn't bugged me about it. She hasn't bugged me about anything. Which in turn bugs the hell out of me. Is she just distancing herself because that's what she thinks I need? Of course, I don't know what I need. Or is she distancing herself for some other reason. Is her misdirection over and she's moving on. God, I can't even handle the thought of that now.

I think I've figured out what I need right now, besides a decent meal and a full night's sleep. I need to see Donna, to reassure her that everything will be made clear soon. To say I'm sorry I'm not able to explain things to her. To thank her for her understanding and comfort. But I doubt she's still here. I haven't seen her in a few hours. She's probably home, curled up on the couch, worrying about me. I'll try the office anyway.

"Hey. It's me"

"Josh, where are you? You sound awful"

I can see her sitting at her desk, her face filled with concern for me.

"I'm sitting on the bench outside the OEOB. I just walked CJ to the corner"

"Stay there, I'll be right out"

"OK"

As I sit here waiting for Donna one thing becomes clear, I know what I need. I've needed it for about 4 days now. And I almost got it twice today, from Joey and from CJ.

I look up and Donna's coming down the sidewalk now. Her smile can't hide the pain or the fear in her eyes. She's walking fast, almost on the verge of running towards me. I stand and start towards her quickly. We stop a few inches from each other. She gives me a real smile. I see her take a deep breath and she wraps her arms around me and hugs me. A hug that says it all.

I'm here for you. I understand. How can I help?

Even though I'm trying not to, I feel myself start to cry and I resist the fleeting impulse I have to pull away and run. Not that I would be able to pull away very easily. Donna's holding on for dear life. Only I'm not too sure whose life, hers or mine. Maybe both. I haven't felt this safe and this loved in a long time. It's almost too much to bear. I feel my legs starting to give out. Donna unwraps herself from around me long enough to steer us to the bench. We're barely sitting before I'm crying into her shoulder again. I feel her cool hand on the back of my neck as she tries to calm me down.

After what seems like an eternity I pull away and look her in the eye.

"I'm sorry...I can't explain...soon, I promise"

I hardly recognize the sound of my own voice; it's like when you hear your voice on tape. I sound so worn out, so old, so hopeless.

"I understand. It's ok. Just tell me what you need, what can I do to help?" she whispers in my ear as she pulls me into her arms again.

"You're doing it now. I realized a few minutes ago that a hug was what I really needed"

God that sounded corny but she doesn't make fun of me. She just squeezes me tighter and for just a moment, all is right with the world.

THE END

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