The National Library - A West Wing Fanfiction Archive

Knowledge is Not Always Power

by: Ginny

Category: Post-ep to Enemies, Foreign and Domestic
Pairing: Josh/Donna
Characters: Josh and Donna
Rating: YTEEN

Knowledge is power

~~~~Sir Francis Bacon

It's late and I'm here in my office, alone. Donna's down in the Mess trying to see if she can find something for me to eat. I think I forgot to eat dinner again. And being the good assistant that she is she offered to go find something for me.

OK, so it took the puppy dog look and a big dimpled grin to get her to go to the Mess, but that's not important right now.

What is important right now? Good question.

I'm not too sure. This is the time of day when I normally take a few minutes to reflect on my life. Oh, who am I kidding, this is the time I usually spend a few minutes thinking about Donna.

In a nutshell, things are good. They're almost back to normal. I've come to the conclusion that Amy is a subject better off left undiscussed in the office. I'm still not sure where it is all going. We've both been busy for the last few weeks that we haven't really seen too much of each other. And so things are just sort of hanging in there in limbo, waiting for....something. What that something is, I have no idea.

But you know what, enough about Amy.

Back to Donna. She's been a little freaked for the past day or so and I can't say that I blame her. I mean, CJ got a death threat. We haven't had one of those in a while, at least not a serious one. I mean, we get hate mail and stuff like that all the time but it doesn't usually get the attention of the Secret Service.

So now CJ's being escorted by a tall, dark, and according to Donna, extremely handsome, agent. Simon something or other. I guess he's good looking but pretty intimidating if you ask me. He glared at me when I stopped by CJ's office a while ago.

Whatever, I guess we'll all just have to get used to him. I have a feeling he'll be around here for a while.

So back to Donna. I think there is more to her, freaked-out-ness, (cool, I think I just came up with a new word) than the death threat. It probably has something to do with me too.

But I swear I didn't do anything to make her worry. It's just her nature and I'm sure she will be like this every May for, well, probably for the rest of our lives. It's hard to believe it's been two years already.

I've been thinking about something ever since Donna informed me about CJ's threatening e-mail.

I've been thinking, is it better to know or not to know?

I know, that needs a little explanation.

Two years ago, when I was shot it was out of nowhere. People weren't stalking me; I had no reason to fear anything. But as a result I wasn't prepared, I wasn't expecting anything to happen to me.

CJ's knows someone is after her. Is it better to know, to be on your guard?

Or is it better to be blissfully unaware?

I suppose both have their merits.

Knowing gives chance to be prepared, to be ready. But ready for what? And exactly how do you prepare? For the worst-case scenario? I don't know.

Being unaware, as I was, is...easy. Sure I was blindsided, totally unprepared. I mean, I had dirty dishes in the kitchen sink and a bunch of ripe bananas on my counter. I wasn't afforded the...luxury (that's not the right term but I'm too tired to come up with a better one at the moment) of being prepared.

But I think that not knowing is better, for me at least. And for Donna, I think. Could you see her trying to keep me sane if I ever had a legitimate death threat? Her job is hard enough as it is.

"Josh?" I hear her behind me as I stare out the window. "You ok?"

"Yeah," I mutter, not very sincerely. I watch her reflection in the window as she puts something on my desk. I can see by the look on her face that she doesn't really believe I am fine. But then again, neither do I. It is, after all, May.

"There wasn't much left in the Mess. I got some frozen yogurt and a bagel."

"Well, I guess that's what happens when I forget to go to dinner." I mutter as I pull my feet off the window sill and turn my chair around.

"Sure is. You know you really need to..." she starts as she sits down.

I wave my hand to cut her off as I swallow. "I know, I need to take care of myself, eat, sleep, crap like that."

She grins as she steals a piece of the bagel. "Yeah something like that. So what were you thinking about when I came in? Don't tell me nothing because you had the forehead thing going on." she says with a small smile.

She laughs as I rub my forehead, trying to get rid of the lines that gave away my deep thoughts. I stop when I realize how ridiculous I must look. I eat another spoonful of yogurt and lean back in my chair, putting my feet on my desk.

"OK, I was thinking about CJ and her, uh, situation. And I was pondering something."

"Pondering?" she says with a grin.

"760 Verbal, my dear Donnatella. I was trying to decide if it was better to know someone is after you or if it's better not to know."

Her grin fades and she eyes me with a look of sorrow, pity and understanding. She gets up and moves to sit on the desk in front of me.

"They say knowledge is power." she muses as she reaches over to pat me on the leg.

"Yeah. But I'm not so sure about that."

We're silent for a minute. Donna starts to gesture with her hands to try and make a point. But the words never quite make it past her lips and she drops her hand down on my knee. "Me neither." she whispers as she brushes some invisible lint off my pants.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, as if that would help get my thoughts in order and help me to make some sense of my feelings.

"Would having the knowledge that my life was in danger been better for me? I don't think so. I would have been...I don't know. I couldn't have done my job. That knowledge wouldn't have given me power, it would have made me a...prisoner. A prisoner of my own fear. No matter what precautions I would have taken I would have felt powerless." I whisper.

"I know, I would have felt that way too. In fact I did feel powerless...after it happened, I mean." she says, barely loud enough for me to hear. Those words cause the air to rush out of my lungs and I run my hand over my face and glance up to look at Donna. Her eyes are glassy and she refuses to meet my gaze, choosing instead to watch her thumb as it traces circles over my kneecap.

"Donna," I whisper, trying to get her to look at me.

"It's May," she says quietly.

"I know." I sigh as I pull my feet off the desk and move to stand in between Donna's knees. I can't think of anything to say that won't send both of us over the edge into an emotional abyss so I kiss her lightly on the forehead and wrap my arms around her and hold on for dear life.

| << back | send feedback | The National Library |