Kiss The Moon Goodbye

by: Abigale

Character(s): Josh, Sam
Pairing(s): Josh/Sam
Category(s): Angst, Romance, Slash
Rating: ADULT
Summary: What is most important to Sam, and what price is he willing to pay for it?

Golden late afternoon light streamed through Leo's window. He caught himself following winking specks of dust through its path, challenging himself to focus his aging eyes on their tiny, dancing shapes.

Josh's call had set his jaw. He could sense something in the younger man's voice that told him he was likely to become a very worn-out man in a matter of minutes.

Hearing a commotion outside his office Leo attended to his posture, setting himself a little higher in his chair. He didn't stand when Josh entered a moment later.

"Leo, thanks for seeing me."

"Don't even mention it, Josh. Have a seat."

Hesitating a beat, looking from the formal array of sofa and two upholstered chairs, back to the more casual arrangement of table and chairs in front of Leo's desk, Josh mumbled his trademark 'ahkay', and pulled a chair around to face Leo.

"You sounded pretty grave on the phone, a little anxious, even," Leo began, leaning forward in his seat to close some of the distance between him and his deputy. "Has something happened with Sam? Please tell me his injuries aren't -- "

"No! No, Leo, Sam's gonna be... he'll be fine, I guess. There's no reason to think he won't be." Josh gulped down his words, a nervous habit, more habit than nervous. " What I need to talk to you about though, it's more advice, than anything, I suppose. I, I need some advice."

"Okay."

The things Josh had rehearsed on his way to the White House, after leaving a sandwich and a note for Sam when he woke up, seemed to have been left back in the car. He stalled for time by rubbing at the back of his neck with both hands, pinching at the tense muscles he encountered.

Watching Leo's countenance grow more expectant, Josh drew a deep breath before diving in.

"The thing is, it turns out, the thing that happened, it wasn't the thing we, what we all thought it was."

"Come again?"

Scratching at the back of his hand, Josh sighed for a second time at his own uneasy ineloquence. " I'm sorry."

"Josh. What's the trouble?" Leo leaned back, his face empty of everything but studied concern.

A hissed " shit" leaked out of Josh. " I don't know what to do. The carjacking, Leo. It wasn't; it wasn't a carjacking. They didn't want Sam's car."

"What, money?" Confusion crinkled Leo's forehead, his eyes narrowed in concentration.

"Uh uh. It wasn't about money. It was just about Sam. Or, well, yeah. And, what they thought he was. What... we are."

"Are you saying...?"

Leo titled back in his chair, examining Josh, who'd started chewing on a cuticle, pulling the tough skin until he tasted the sudden, coppery bite of blood before speaking. " It was a deliberate attack on someone they presumed was gay."

"A gay-bashing?"

Josh cringed at the phrase he'd unconsciously avoided using.

"You're telling me this was never a carjacking, it was always... this other thing." The older man sat forward again, eyes piercing through Josh's discomfort. " Why the hell did you lie to us?"

"Leo! I didn't lie! I just found out!" His revelation over-running his sense of diplomacy, Josh continued on. " Sam just told me, and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do now. You gotta help me convince him to tell the truth."

Leo's head cocked to the side, suddenly and significantly more alert than he had been a second ago. " You're saying Sam purposely lied to the police? That...." His eyes drifted away from Josh's slightly panicked face. " That really doesn't sound like something Sam would do. No, I don't buy it." Leo shook his head once, adamantly. " That's not Sam. There's no way - if he was sure of that - he wouldn't do everything in his power to take these guys down. Whatever happened out there, it must have left him with some qualms about it being the motive." Eyes back on Josh again, his voice turned into the familiar, professional one Josh had grown up politically listening to. " Start from the beginning, explain this to me."

One hand scuffing at the pink skin at the edge of his forest of unruly brown hair, Josh nodded his head.

"You have to understand, he was in bad shape after it happened. He was going into shock, and he was in pain. There was a cut inside his mouth that kept bleeding, and his eye was swelling shut." Josh's eyes shut momentarily, the image of Sam, looking beaten and ravaged, swimming in his head.

"It was confusing for him. Hell, I didn't know what was going on. When the cops showed up, I got the feeling they had a preconceived idea about what had happened, but I really didn't know what. It was just, eye contact and body language, and then one of them came back from checking out Sam's car, and he spoke right up. He said it didn't look like it was a gay-bashing."

"Why did they assume that in the first place?" Leo wanted to know.

"I found out a little later there've been some other incidents right around there. It's not known as a gay market; it's just a place to buy good produce," Josh said almost apologetically, his narrative becoming a little breathless.

"Anyway, the cop comes back, and he announces it must be a carjacking, because there's a White House sticker on Sam's car. We work for the president, and he recognizes us, so... we can't be gay. So, it must be a carjacking."

"Of all the narrow-minded -- "

"Leo, please." Josh rolled his eyes. The thought of Sam, left lying on his back in his big bed, alone, triggered a shiver he felt all over. " They, they also said, these guys had never been known to use a gun before. So that pretty much convinced them, this wasn't the same people."

"Sam could still be mistaken. That's the only reason he wouldn't speak up."

"They.... no. I guess the... attackers made it pretty clear why they targeted him."

Leo was shaking his head. " I don't understand why they targeted him. Why would they assume he was a -- gay? What, does he have a rainbow bumper sticker next to his White House pass, or something?"

Josh's head dipped at the sarcasm, the crease of his pants so sharp it looked as if it could cut, and he fingered it carefully, imagining a ribbon of red rising from his thumb as he drew it back and forth over the fabric.

"Josh?"

Looking up quickly, then ducking his head down again. " I suppose they, um, they could have seen us. In the car, before we went inside. I suppose we may have.... I don't know, Leo. I don't remember if we did anything to make them think...."

Leo brought his hand to his eyes, shielding them under a leathery palm. " Christ."

Josh shifted awkwardly. " You gotta help me. What can I say to get him to talk?"

"That's easy. Just tell him we're behind him. President Bartlet, me, the entire administration. He's one of us. We'll take care of him, Josh."

"Leo, he's not just worried about himself -- "

"Oh, of all the stupid...! In this particular case, it's not Sam's job to protect the president! Does he really think we're nothing but a bunch of pretty words about tolerance and inclusion?" Leo darted to his feet, and began pacing, dragging infinitesimal particles of dust through the air behind him.

"Let me tell you, Joshua. When you two came to us, we weren't thrilled about your... relationship. But we aren't against it. And for Sam to even suggest that we would allow him to put our own interests in front of his -- "

"Just, wait, will you?!" Josh joined Leo on his feet, completely unaware of the swirl this caused in the path of sunlight. " Sam's not trying to protect the president! He knows he - we - have your support. He thinks he needs to protect us. Our relationship. He's doing it to give us a fighting chance. He... god, Leo, he told me he doesn't think we can survive something like this yet." A strangled half-sob retched out of Josh. " Shit, shit, shit."

Josh looked around the room frantically, eyes skipping over everything, darting into each corner and crevice they could find. Searching for a bottle, an elixir that would coat and soothe his rising panic. An elixir, he realized with horror, which would kill Leo. He had almost complained about needing a drink.

"What am I gonna do?" he asked weakly.

"Is it true?"

The question took Josh almost as much by surprise as Sam's admission had. " What the fuck do you mean, 'is it true'? I'm crazy about him, Leo." Ignoring the way Leo's eyes slid away.

Sinking into a chair that bumped up against the round table in front of the desk, Josh began to keen softly. " I love the man, dammit. I can't predict where we'll be in three months, or nine months. But I know that tonight, I'm going to be right beside him, holding onto him as tightly as he can stand, and I have no plan or intention to let go."

"Aw, Josh," Leo sighed tiredly. " I know you love the guy. I don't think there's any question of that."

"And he loves me, Leo. That's why I can't believe he's even thinking we're not strong enough for this. Sam's not a fatalist. This is shock talking." Josh sagged against the table, arms folded on the cool surface, cheek resting forlornly. " If I can just convince him."

Josh felt, more than saw Leo join him at the table. The air that was dispelled by his movement felt teasing and ticklish on Josh's face.

"It is shock, I'm sure that's it," Leo pointed out. " There's no way Sam could ever let something this important take a backseat to an affair."

Josh's head snapped up, mouth hanging open for only a split second before he clamped it shut.

"I didn't mean that the way it sounded, Josh."

"I know," Josh lied. " Look, I think he wants to come forward. He as much as tried to steer the detective handling the case away from the whole theft angle. If he'd seen a shot of one of the guys, Sam would have identified him, no matter what."

Leo nodded his agreement.

"So, what can I do? How do I get him to go the rest of the way?"

Pulling in a deep breath, Leo held onto it a moment before setting it free. " I'm not sure you can do anything, here, son. This is something Sam has got to do on his own."

"But, Leo -- "

"You'll blow the relationship apart for sure if you try and pull something behind his back. I don't see him forgiving that, not easily."

Nothing came easily with Sam, Josh thought dejectedly. It was why he'd fallen in love with him in the first place. Sam didn't let Josh get away with any of the usual tricks he used to deflect true intimacy. Sam stayed in his face, held him to his feelings, and consumed him in a way that left Josh too numb to fight back.

"He'll come to it on his own, Josh. That's the only way. But he has to know, if our reaction is in any way influencing his decision, he's gotta know; we're behind him. And President Bartlet'll tell him himself, if need be."

"Thank you, Leo." Josh's suddenly lessening apprehension left him winded and weak legged. He struggled from the chair and headed for the door.

"Hey, listen; I'm coming in tomorrow, I just don't know.... I can't really give you a time," he was saying as he cracked open the door.

Leo was waving Josh off, the hand fluttering in the air like a kite's tail. " That's fine, we've got you covered."

As Josh began to walk out of the office, Margaret appeared like an apparition, two large brown shopping bags weighing down each arm.

"Hey, Margaret," he said, attempting to step out of her path.

"Hey, Josh. Again. These are for Sam," she declared, shoving her load into his hands.

"What the -- ?"

" Margaret, what are you doing?" Leo asked, joining them in the doorway.

"They're for Sam," she said again, a look of authority on her face.

Leo cocked a measured eyebrow at her and slipped into his best annoyed voice. " He's not doing any work, you know. He's supposed to be resting."

"It's not work, Leo," she chided, then turned to Josh. " Last night a number of the assistants went home and cooked some things for Sam. The usual casseroles and one-dish meals. They're all prepared, and each one comes with a typed description of its dietary information, as well as step-by-step heating instructions, and menu suggestions. You'll see that they're stored properly?"

"Uh, yeah. Thanks," Josh gawked.

As Josh left the office, he could hear Leo bellowing half way down the hall. " Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Margaret! Sam's not auditioning wives, here!"

Most of the sandwich Josh had left for Sam was gone. What wasn't eaten, a gnawed section abandoned on the plate, sat on top of the note.

The television mumbled away on its own; no one in the room to answer it. Josh took in the stack of pillows smashed against one end of the sofa, and the pile of opened mail on the coffee table beside the plate. Hearing a sound come from within the bedroom, he waited for Sam to emerge a moment later.

"You're back."

Just seeing Sam standing there, a little hunched, still pale, made the lump in Josh's throat lurch. " You look a little better. Let me see your eye." Stepping around the two oversized shopping bags, he came closer to Sam, turned him into the light. " The swelling's really come down." Fingertips hovered over the ugly discoloration. " How does it feel?"

"Warm. And tight. But, I don't think it hurts." Sam flinched when Josh's fingers danced too close.

"And the ribs?"

"You know what they say. It only hurts when I breathe." It alarmed Josh that Sam didn't even attempt a conciliatory smile here. " No, they're okay. If I take it easy, I'm not in any pain." Sam moved away from Josh and continued on to the sofa. " What's in the bags?" he wondered, looking into them briefly as he passed.

"You won't believe it," Josh said, a pair of shallow dimples, like parentheses, appearing around his smile. " Margaret organized an assistant meal train for you. I have no idea what's in here, but it looks like a hell of a lot of food."

"Your note said you were going to pick up the car."

Josh was worried about the flat, faulty sound of Sam's voice. Coming around to face him, he noticed his eyes, staring nowhere. He sat down gingerly next to Sam, one hand drifting over his leg. " I did. Then I stopped by the office."

"Of course."

"Yeah. Everyone says, you know, feel better; come back soon." Josh scrutinized Sam cautiously.

Skimming his eyes over Josh briefly, Sam's lids fluttered, and he looked away. " Who did you talk to?"

"No one," Josh coughed back too quickly. " Everyone. They all said to say hello."

Sitting on Sam's right, looking at him in profile, Josh could pretend everything that had happened in the last twenty hours had happened to another man, another couple. Certainly not to Sam, loving and spirited and full of an unquenchable desire to do right.

Dropping his eyes to their hands, unconsciously intertwined in Sam's lap, the bleak reality squeezed back into place, displacing Josh's well-intentioned denial. Scabs had formed over the top of Sam's knuckles, the swelling decreased, but not completely gone.

"So, what did you do while I was gone?" Josh asked casually after clearing his throat.

"I slept. Took a shower. Called my parents. Did you... talk to anyone, Josh?" Sam turned to take a side-long glance at his friend, before lowering his voice solemnly. " Did you tell anyone?"

"No. I didn't talk to anyone." One of Josh's fingers flicked lightly over Sam's. A reassuring gesture, and a reminder that he was the one sitting right there. " But we have to talk. We should finish talking about this."

A groan Josh knew had to be painful ripped out of Sam's chest. He twitched his hand, a feeble attempt to pull away, but Josh could feel the underlying desire to stay connected.

Sam quieted quickly, but he remained sitting rigidly on the edge of the sofa. " There isn't anything to talk about."

"Before you make this decision -- "

"Think about it? Is that your helpful suggestion?" Sam brought both their hands to his brow, seemly oblivious to the fact that he was still gripping Josh's tightly. " You can't think I came to this lightly. You know me better than that."

"Thought I did," Josh scoffed, a little more bitterly than he'd intended. " Which is exactly why I can't understand what you're doing here."

"I know you can't," Sam conceded. " Every time another screen of mug shots flickered past without my recognizing one of the bastards, I knew I was moving a little further away from someone finding out the truth. And a part of me was screaming to put a stop to it all, right then and there." Sam dropped their hands, his own fingers disentangling reluctantly. " And then I'd look over at you, and I'd see that expression you get." He licked his lips. " You didn't have to touch me for me to feel you. Or say anything for me to hear what you were thinking. You threw these looks at me and I realized, I never want them to stop finding me, so I... I kept looking at the pictures."

"Do you know why I look at you like that?"

Sam looked embarrassed.

"Do you know that one of the most attractive, amazing, endearing qualities you possess is your invincible belief in things? Now, I look at you, Sam, and I don't know what you believe in. Not us. Not the system, or your role in it."

"That's not fair -- "

"Fair?!" Josh slammed to his feet, then seeing the abject misery on his lover's face, retook his seat immediately. " What's fair about you turning your back on all those other guys, huh?"

An expression of mild confusion skittered across Sam's face.

"The other guys who've been beaten to a pulp; the ones who weren't as lucky as you!" Josh yelled at him. " The ones who were either injured so badly, or felt so vulnerable, they couldn't identify their attackers?" Josh snatched Sam's hand, fully aware that he might run off at any moment.

Sam cringed at the pressure to his hand, but gripped Josh back just as tightly. " I can't save the world," he said wearily. " But I can try and save our chance at being happy."

"We don't need saving." The bitterness Josh felt seeped into his words. " Keeping this relationship together is not your job alone."

"I'm not saying it is," Sam sighed. " But it's, it's the most important thing in my life right now, Josh, and I didn't even realize it myself until this happened." For the first time since they had both stepped into this wavering world of blood and bruises, a barely visible smile appeared on Sam's lips.

Daring to match the expression, Josh slipped an arm around Sam's shoulder, drawing him close enough to catch the fresh scent of shampoo in his hair. Closing his eyes, his fingers lightly played against the fabric of Sam's shirt, his other hand still holding Sam's tightly. He wanted to absorb Sam into himself, trap him in a secure embrace of sinew.

Feeling Sam sigh against him, hearing his helpless moan float up to his ears, Josh's own body began betraying him. He tried to extinguish the warmth crawling through his belly with thoughts of his sincere concern for Sam's health. He concentrated on how freakishly long Sam's pinkies were, the way the hem of his t-shirt was beginning to unravel. None of these things quelled the continued awakening Josh felt in his groin. The heat that had begun in his stomach began draining into his thighs, pooling between his legs. He could feel himself grow firmer, and he couldn't help feeling like he was betraying Sam too.

Laying his lips against the side of his lover's head, Josh willed the blood to stop flowing to his awakened cock, but it was useless. Sam had squirmed against Josh, opening the floodgates.

"Sam," he mumbled into his hair. " God, Sam, I want you so badly right now. I think I need to... go for a walk or something." Josh started to retract his arm, but the pleading look he discovered on Sam's face stopped him cold.

"You don't have to go anywhere. I want you too."

"We can't. You can't possibly."

"Just kiss me, then."

Josh would kiss Sam. He'd hold him, and pet him and take over, if Sam would just let him.

Sinking into Sam's mouth, Josh hummed contentedly, tasting a slippery tongue, suckling there until he was out of breath. Curiosity led his hand to Sam's crotch, where he felt heat, but no sign of arousal. Pressing carefully, he closed his hand around the quiet bulge he recognized from clandestine gropes behind Sam's desk at work. Running his tongue along the inside of Sam's lip brought a faint whimper, and Josh remembered too late the trickle of blood that had been drawn across Sam's chin the night before.

He mumbled an inadequate apology against his mouth and brought a hand up to caress Sam's face.

Pulling back slightly, azure blue eyes looked back at Josh, unfocused and unsure. " I want more."

"I don't think so," Josh chuckled lightly.

"I want more."

"Then why are you wincing? C'mon, Sam. There's plenty of time later. Despite what you might think about our future." Josh felt the end of the sentence drop off his tongue, too late to pull it back.

Sam swung his head away from Josh sharply, and began chewing his lip. He straightened the fingers of the hand Josh was holding, splaying them out rigidly, making it impossible for Josh to miss the message. Off.

Removing his arm, Josh got off. Off Sam, off the sofa.

"I think I will take that walk. Or... maybe I should go home tonight. I'm just gonna put this food away. Is there anything I can get you before I go?"

Just eyes darting around the room, maybe a mist layered over the tired blue. But Sam said nothing.

"Toby."

"Hi, Sam. I'm, I'm sorry, I should have called first. But I thought, if you were resting, the phone would wake you. This way... "

"Your knocking would wake me?"

Toby chuckled lightly, but there wasn't any humor attached to it, just an unmistakable quality Sam recognized as discomfort.

"I thought Josh would hear, and quietly come to the door to tell me to go away." The smile was genuine now.

Toby perched on the edge of a chair near the sofa. He looked ready to bolt. Sam wasn't very surprised that Toby accepted the drink he suggested. He was surprised when Toby asked if Josh had been taking good care of him.

The sun had set, and a chill settled in that Sam could feel coming from the window all the way on the other side of the room.

And Josh wasn't back.

Toby filled him in on the status of some policy meetings Sam had been scheduled to lead, and recited verbatim a page and a half of a speech he was working on. CJ had bought pepper spray to carry in her briefcase, and Toby got five minutes out of ridiculing the fact that he was sure her would-be attackers would pause while she dug around for it.

And Josh wasn't back.

A shiver wracked Sam's shoulders, and Toby draped a throw across them, not making eye contact, and not interrupting his soliloquy on cotton imports.

When Josh finally did come back, Toby took his empty glass to the kitchen, and left amid awkward minutes that should have been filled with supportive hugs.

Then Sam stood in the kitchen, frankly aghast at the military precision Margaret and the assistants had shown compiling a week's worth of meals for him. " Did you see this, Josh? They broke down the nutritional information on everything!"

" Sam."

"Bonnie made jambalaya."

"Sam."

"I love jambalaya."

"Sam, stop it."

He blinked at Josh, hand still holding up the sheet of White House stationary for him to see.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Josh. I've tried to explain. I don't think I can do a better job of it."

They sat at the table, Sam's dejected expression set like stone. He thought back, to try and discern the moment he'd discovered that living with Josh was more important than living with himself.

"I want to be with you, Sam." Josh silenced the other man with a look. " And right now, we are together. If we don't work out... well, I can't see that happening for any other reason than what you plan to do here."

"Excuse me? I'm trying to give us the chance -- "

"I don't buy it. I don't see you living with something like this. And if you can, then you really aren't the man I thought I knew. I can't believe you don't know that I rely on you for that. That's who you are to me. If I can't count on you for that...."

"What?"

"You're not the Sam I fell in love with."

The grind of the icemaker took over the conversation, protesting through its cycle while the two men sat waiting their turn. After the muffled clunk of cubes tumbled into the bin, they were brought back into a loaded silence.

Reaching across the short distance, Josh's fingers settled alongside Sam's.

"They'll ask me if we're lovers," Sam said quietly. " That'll be the first thing. And I'll be compelled to tell them. From there, it's how long, and who knew? The president will be asked the question, and he won't be happy."

"Bullshit."

"Oh, he'll answer it. Proudly. But he won't be happy. That's how it'll be. They'll be supportive and non-judgmental. And deep down, they'll all be wishing we'd kept it secret, or kept our hands off each other, or.... And that's gonna wear us down, Josh."

Sam looked up at the man he'd admired and respected for so long. He saw the future they had discussed for years, over sweaty bottles of beer, and a growing, never-voiced attraction that kept them darting in and out of each other's lives. Josh, the king maker. Sam, man of the people.

Sam allowed the silence to settle around them like fog. Neither one moved, or looked away. Their eyes locked in an unwavering connection. Sam's pleading; Josh's solemnly reproachful.

Finally, " You know that you're dooming us to secrecy, Sam. You know that."

"In time -- "

"No." Josh told him. " Do you know what happens if we go public later?" His voice grew into a disdainful growl. " You'll have made us liars; to the press, to the police. If they ever catch these assholes without your help, we'll have to lie." Josh shook his head in amazement. " And I'm actually considering letting you do this."

"I told you." Sam's voice, tempered with reluctance. " This is my decision. If it makes it easier for you."

Josh's snort was dismissive. " Yeah, Sam. That makes it all better." Each word, weighted with insincerity, dropped from his mouth to the floor. He drew his chair closer, until their knees were nearly touching, and although Sam's instinct was to move closer too, he stayed where he was, hands still and folded on the table.

"Sam, listen to me. You do this, and we will never be able to go public. We'll be stuck in this lie, at least for the rest of our term, if not forever." Josh directed Sam's eyes to him with a guiding hand to his chin. " I may not have planned to come out to the whole world tomorrow, but I'm not about to surrender the rest of my life to living like that. You'll make liars of us all."

Sam ducked his head down briefly, when Josh moved his hand away. " I don't see another way, Josh." Sam looked up at him through cloaking lashes. " We just, we don't have all the pieces in place. Leo can't even say the word bi-sexual while looking either one of us in the eye. CJ thinks we're precious; Toby uses such neutral language around me, I can barely decipher what he's saying half the time. We could come out, go through that whole circus, only to break up under the same scrutiny. No one's ready for something like this. Not them, not us."

Josh took Sam's hands in his, coiled their fingers together. " We don't have to be ready. We just have to be together I. Love. You." He allowed a small, incredulous smile to rise to his lips. " You can't believe how miraculous it is to me, to say those words to you. You; Sam Seaborn. I can't imagine ever going back to the way things were before I could say them."

For only the second time since they'd been plunged into a swirling sea of circumstance, Sam managed to smile back at his lover. " Oh, I can believe. Completely."

"Then you'll believe this, Sam." Josh tugged on Sam's hands, ignoring the almost imperceptible sign of discomfort on the face he often thought of as perfect. " When the time comes, when you realize that you can't live with your decision, when you're looking for someone to blame, you better make damn sure it's not me."

Sam recoiled slightly from the intensity in Josh's eyes, the bitterness of the words. " I won't take the blame in your mind, when you start to turn this around, looking for someone to punish," Josh finished.

The quiet shattering of Sam's heart passed unnoticed in the brightly lit kitchen. The crisp sheet of White House stationary fluttered to the floor when he abruptly got to his feet. He turned his back to Josh, placing his hands on the edge of the sink to steady himself against the waves of regret he already felt displacing the fractured shards in his chest.

"Now who's only thinking about the end?" he asked the backsplash above the sink.

"I'm thinking about you, Sam." Josh rose from his chair and came up behind him, placed his hands carefully around his waist. " I'm thinking about how doing the right things for the right reasons has defined your life ever since I've known you. And I'm thinking about how, as much as I want to, I'll never be able to protect you from yourself, when the full weight of this gets to be too much, or someone else gets hurt. Or worse." He pushed his body close, mindful of the injuries to Sam's suddenly shaking body.

Leaning his head back into Josh, Sam felt loving lips creep up to his ear. " I won't watch the man I love do that to himself, or to us," Josh whispered, his breath a living thing against Sam's skin.

It wasn't sex Sam was thinking of. He just wanted to be touched by something other than fists.

Shifting his body so his hips pressed against the other man's groin, he rocked slowly, feeling Josh fall into the rhythm. An unchecked moan grew in Sam's throat as he felt Josh hardening.

He couldn't remember who led whom into the bedroom. He knew Josh lay on the bed first, pulling Sam down beside him. He knew that he was as shocked by his own strengthening erection as Josh seemed to be, when he'd slipped his hand into Sam's jeans, fondling it reverently.

Sam felt a swelling in his chest, a partial mending together of the splintered heart and life he'd left back on the kitchen table. Vacantly thought he should clean all that up before going to bed, the way he liked to do with the dinner dishes. Nothing bothered Sam more than waking up to a mess in the kitchen.

But he couldn't pull himself away from Josh's kisses, dwindling as he undressed Sam with hesitant hands; surging again when he lay naked and exposed on top of the covers. Josh shucked his own clothing, waving away Sam's awkward, helpless motions.

Feet caressing feet, knees opening knees, cocks dueling and stomachs aligned, Sam felt whole, healed. Josh's mouth claimed him, and released him, finding new places to engulf. His nipples grew painful under a wicked tongue, and the pounding between his legs was nearly distracting him from the nimble fingers that found their way under, and into him.

He moaned indulgently, heedless of the compressed discomfort from his badgered ribs. All he knew was that Josh was still with him, still loving him, still in love with him. For another hour or another month, Sam couldn't know. But he felt, as surely as he felt the hand curl around him and begin the measured stroking, that he would prove Josh wrong; would find a way to live with his decision.

"Am I hurting you?"

"Not even close."

"You have tears in your eyes."

"I love you."

He tasted Josh's tongue in his mouth, familiar and thrilling as it probed the dark, wet cavern thoroughly. He longed to flick his own tongue over bullethard nipples, breathe the thick, musky scent between Josh's legs. To run his hands over Josh, to feel the throbbing pulse in his cock; but the pleasure and the pain kept him pinned in place.

"I can't feel you, Josh."

"I'm right here."

"I mean I can't reach you."

"You don't have to. Shh."

The trembling thunder in his thighs, in his belly, began to radiate from the center of him, sweeping through Sam in undulating waves. Josh's sure, strong grip tightened and quickened, and Sam saw flashes of twinkling blue light above the bed.

"God, I'm close."

"I know."

"I'm, I'm gonna -- "

"I know."

"Josh."

"I know."

He pulled Josh to him, arched his hips up to solidify the contact. Pain bit him like a viper, just as he felt the scorching fire shoot from his body. His groans lingered on, as a tiny string of quieter convulsions shook him, wrung out of him as Josh smoothed his fingers over and over his un-bruised cheek.

"Ah, god, Sam. I can't, I just can't."

Sam nipped at Josh's collarbone, the taste of skin sour on his tongue.

"We can. I promise you we can."

Their bodies were fused together, cemented by the drying stickiness that coated Sam's stomach and thighs.

"I didn't tell the President of the United States, and my mother that I was sleeping with a man, just so I could keep it a secret from everyone else for the rest of my life." Josh leaned on his elbows, gazing down at the distressed expression looking back. He touched his head to Sam's, a brief nuzzle to his ear, a light kiss to the full lips.

Sam shifted under Josh, craved the feel of the body covering his own. He ignored the ache it brought, the physical as well as the emotional. " Three men, Josh," his voice harsh and whispery. " They came out of nowhere. Stepped right into my life. And when they were done hitting me, when I was home, and it was just you and me, I thought the only way to get them out was to will them away. I'm just trying to make them go away."

Josh rolled off of Sam, and settled on his back, pulling the younger man to him with remarkable tenderness. " You know you can't, though. Right?" Josh's fingers combed through Sam's hair. " You know."

Sam burrowed his non-response into Josh's neck. His own hand brushed across his lover's chest, mesmerizing a brown nub into a tight point. " Josh, please. I'm so tired. I can't keep doing this." This discussion, this debate, this dance around their future, and what exactly each man thought would be its downfall.

His hand had just found Josh, semi-hard, yielding and hot to his touch. He had just subdued the dull twinge in his ribcage, when Josh nearly dislodged him by sitting up against the headboard.

"Then don't, Sammy. Don't." His thumb lifted a lock of hair from Sam's forehead and moved it carefully away. Sam's breath warmed Josh's face. " Okay, you're trembling now; that can't be good."

Sam sniffed once, placed his hands on Josh's chest lightly, possessively. " Then maybe you should put your arms around me."

Josh brought Sam to him, arms encircling the battered body, the gentle soul, the grave optimism and the aching spirit.

Falling into the security of Josh's arms, docking himself to him with determined faith, Sam sighed wearily, and looked up into the saddest eyes he'd ever seen. He marveled at the feeling of being joined, yet drifting, and questioned whether he had the strength to even face which one he'd be left with in the morning.

"I...."

"What, Sam?"

He ground his mouth into Josh's, left a trail of kisses across his face; breadcrumbs he could follow, in case he got lost and couldn't find his way back. " I could call Detective Hodges. In the morning."

Josh didn't stir. Even his chest ceased its gentle rising and falling.

"I could tell him. I do remember more. Then I did before." Sam kept his eyes fastened to the edge of the bed, where the sheets spilled off the side. " I remember what they said, and I, I...." His emotions overtook the words, enveloping them in a hoarse whisper. " I know they weren't trying to jack my car. They were, they just wanted to, they were...." He shook his head against the side of Josh's face, dragging his eyes up to meet his lover's. " God, Josh, please tell me? Tell me we'll be all right?"

Looking deeply into sapphire eyes, Josh spoke with controlled passion. " When we got together, my priorities shifted; in a way that had never happened to me before. I, I barely noticed at the time. But... it's that simple." He ran his eyes and his hands over Sam's quivering body. " So, this is what I do now. You and I. All right? You understand?"

Sam nodded hesitantly. " So, I call. And then...." His voice trailed off, the words sinking leisurely, like small stones pitched into a murky pond.

"And then?" Josh prodded cautiously.

"And then, I wait for him to ask the question, I guess." Sam covered his face with one hand, pawing at his eyes with a lazy, distracted motion. " And we wait some more. To see if they catch these guys; for the media to catch wind. I don't know, Josh, what else am I gonna be waiting for?" he asked with muffled, unexpected anger.

A slow, heavy tear dropped from Josh's cheek onto his chest, and Sam reached for it, spreading it around in a circle with one long finger, then bent to brush his lips across it.

It tasted like the sea.

Sam's lips were soft. Josh could feel his tongue dart out to lap at the fallen tear, the scrape of perfect, white, movie star teeth rake across his skin. Enfolded in each other's arms, Josh swore to himself that he wouldn't let Sam give in to his dim prophecy of their future. He swore it to himself, but he stayed silent to Sam, knowing instinctively that promises would sound shallow and desperate to him at this moment.

Lips buried in Sam's hair, a frantic need pulling at him, Josh skimmed his hand down Sam's back, heedful of the livid bruises that colored his skin. But the need to feel all of his lover grew past his need to be cautious, and Sam seemed to understand this. He opened his mouth to Josh, accepted the kisses that were like an assault, moaned his approval when Josh brought Sam's hand to his hastily hardening shaft.

"If you want to stop, you can, you know you can, just, tell me you want to stop," Josh murmured as Sam dropped lower and lower down his body, a trail of fresh saliva marking his descent. " Ohhhhhhhhhh...."

A wash of heat enveloped him, wet and rough. Sam held one of Josh's arms down to his side, fingers cutting into the flesh with gritty deliberateness. Josh recognized Sam's unspoken yearning to exert some control, so he ignored the nails that dug deeper into his skin.

Bringing his head up for a moment, looking desperately into his lover's eyes, Sam then impaled himself once more on Josh's pulsating erection, and remained fastened to him until Josh unleashed the full power of his love into his throat.

Afterwards, they lay wrapped in each other's arms once more, savoring a union neither had felt strong enough to surrender. The dulcet sound of Sam's breathing lulled Josh into an easy pre-sleep, unconcerned with the strong odor that engulfed them, or the flaking white substance that covered their bodies.

Josh had Sam. And he had the conviction to hold them together if Sam faltered again, unsure of the veracity of their relationship. He had the optimism Sam usually held onto so staunchly. But he also recognized the faint burble of doubt Sam had planted in him. And as he glided into sleep, a snatch of song came to him, drawling into his subconsciousness, and he murmured it to himself as he drifted off. " We can be heroes, just for one day...."

"Are you okay?" Josh asked solicitously, standing across the street from the police station. He'd thought Sam slept well; at least he knew he hadn't moved around much. That alone should have afforded Josh a good night's sleep, but it had only served to further his concern over Sam. And now there were new, dark smudges under Sam's eyes, and a pallor that had grown more evident since the night before despite the rest he'd gotten.

Sam struggled to manufacture a skimpy smile, and he offered it to Josh with a tilt of his head. " I think so." He chewed his lip thoughtfully for a moment, then looked up at Josh through the crackling blue of his eyes. " I do want to say something first. Before we go in." He shot a glance at the building on the other side of the street.

"'Kay."

Shuffling his feet made Sam look almost childlike. He took a deep breath, and Josh noticed that the grimace it brought was decidedly less than it had been yesterday. " I want you to know that, no matter what happens today or tomorrow, you're my best friend, Josh. Beyond everything else you mean to me, you're my best friend."

The simple phrase took Josh by surprise. He'd thought, when Sam started speaking, that he was about to express his love for the older man. Josh's own echoing declaration caught, and crumbled in his throat in the face of Sam's simple, sincere words.

Reaching out and clasping his lover to him was impossible, and also unnecessary. He could see in Sam's reflective eyes that he understood what the statement had meant to Josh. A barely audible " Thank you," was all Josh could manage to say, but he infused it with all the wrenching potency of Sam's words to him.

Squaring his shoulders, Sam smiled bravely, if shyly, and stepped off the curb. Josh held his breath a moment, before following behind him, the rest of the song from the night before filtering into his head.

"Though nothing will keep us together
We can beat them, forever and ever
Oh we can be heroes
Just for one day...."

Chapters: 1 | 2 |

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